What do you get when you put together a cup of sass, gallons of plastic surgery, and an old broad with an ‘I’m never going to die attitude’? Miami’s going to find out when comedian Joan Rivers tramples the Adrienne Ardst Center stage. Rivers is touring all over North America (she’ll be in West Palm in February) and is starring in the TV Land realty show How’d You Get So Rich, where she interviews people from humble backgrounds and digs deep to find out their secrets to financial success. The greatest female comedian and Emmy and Golden Globe award winning actress sat down for a phone interview with the Dmitry Rashnitsov from the South Florida Blade to discuss everything from her comedy show to George Washington, and the abundance of gentiles in Canada.
Joan, are you excited to be doing a show in Miami?
Yes, I’m thrilled to be playing at the Arsht center, but with all the gays that are going to be in the audience they should call it the Ass center. We’ll attract a bigger crowd.
What was your Halloween costume?
I was Mrs. Bernie Madoff. I know I could have made Bernie much happier.
So what can audiences expect when we come to see you live?
It’s going to be a therapy session for me; I’m just going to talk about what everyone wants to hear. Let’s see, we will discuss the Balloon Boy, oh and Angelina Jolie, plus that crazy couple Jon and Kate plus eight, except now its Jon and Kate plus hate. What else? We’ll talk about Michael Jackson, who isn’t sick of him by now?
Why do we gays love you so much?
In the 1950’s you were in a play called Seawood where you had a lesbian crush on a character played by Barbara Streisand. If you could go lesbian for one night, who would you hook up with?
I didn’t just have a crush on her, Barbara and I were lesbian lovers! Today, I would definitely go lesbian for Ruth Madoff. She knows where the money is. We would be laying in bed together on our Egyptian 1000 thread count sheets and she would whisper to me that the million dollars is somewhere in Mexico.
Besides your touring show, what else do you have going on?
I don’t really go out on tour, I do maybe five cities then go home for two weeks. But I’ve got lots of other things bubbling. Melissa and I will be doing a chat show in England. It’s like a talk show but they call them chat shows. We’ll also have a reality show about our lives. You know the strangest things happen to us, it’s just not normal what we go through every day.
The weather is supposed to be beautiful here in Miami when you come down, will we see you sunbathing topless on South Beach?
I’ve already been tanning topless down there, you just haven’t noticed because I look like an old man naked.
We’ll we definitely would have noticed that. We like our men naked.
Oh I bet you do. Come up to me next time, I’ll be your sugar daddy.
So I have to ask, why are you touring cities in Canada?
Canada is beautiful. I’m overlooking a Canadian lake right now. There are 30 million people in this country, and only three Jews.
You agreed to be roasted on Comedy Central, how did that go?
Amazing. Lots of fun. It was hosted by my good friend Kathy Griffin. I am just crazy about her.
Is Kathy Griffin the Joan Rivers of the new generation?
I think there is no Joan Rivers of the new generation. We are totally different. No one will ever be me. I do absolutely adore Kathy.
With finally a bit of diversity in the oval office, would you sleep with our President?
Well I was already with George Washington. Those wooden teeth really dug into me. I was supposed to be with Abe Lincoln in his theater box that night. We were going to tell Martha the truth about us but I was running a little late.
Not a bad night to be stuck in a horse-drawn traffic jam?
Yea, no kidding.
Since you are one of the most eligible ladies in Hollywood, which leading man do you plan on having on your arm during the Oscar and Emmy award ceremonies?
Probably a mortician, I always like to be prepared. You know I love Turner Classic Movies and all the old leading men like Jimmy Stewart and Clark Gable. You just don’t see those men in Hollywood anymore. Today all the male stars are five-foot two, 92 pounds and closet cases.
But we like them that way
I bet you do!
When you die, what song do you want played at your funeral and who do you want to sing it?
Wow, there are great questions. I want show tunes, show tunes, show tunes! I want Sarah Brightman to sing them, but she is not allowed to talk to people because she is a bitch. Just shut up and sing. I’ve heard so many diva stories about her.
What kind of diva stories are out there about you?
I like to slap around my underlings. Sometimes they need to be put in place.
You are just like Naomi Campbell?
That bitch! She stole that from me.
Wednesday, November 11, 8 p.m. Tix: $34.50-$69.50
Adrienne Ardst Center
1300 Biscayne Boulevard
Miami, Florida 33132-1608