A review of 'Twilight: Eclipse' written by someone who's only seen the trailer (with video)

  Twilight's here! Huzzah!

Well, Twilight: Eclipse is sure to be the big story today, and that means today's a banner day here at the Comedy Examiner's Office: Over the past year, your friendly, neighborhood Comedy Examiner's had more than a couple run-ins with the Twilight community (basically, they don't like being savagely mocked by someone who's never seen the films or read the books), so we knew that it was of utmost importance that we have a review of this sure-to-be-glorious film up for our readers. Unfortunately, life gets in the way, and we arrived at the conclusion that it'd be a lot easier to just watch the trailer to review the movie. Is it fair? No. Is it going to be a good review?  Certainly not. But this is what we do here, people, so you may as well just go along with it. Read on for the Comedy Examiner's glowing review of Twilight: Eclipse, my gentle Examiner readers ...

Well, I had every intention of watching the latest Twilight movie -- this one's called Eclipse -- but, as you well know, today is laundry day, and how am I supposed to commit to seeing a film about emo vampires (and werewolves; can't forget the werewolves) when I've got all these pairs of socks to heavily starch? Rather than watch Twilight: Eclipse with a group of shrieking tweens and failed housewives, I decided that it'd be far easier to just watch the trailer to review the film. In fact, thanks to embeddable video technology, you can witness the very same showing of Twilight: Eclipse that I'm about to attend (oh, and for the record, the film's sitting at 52% on RottenTomatoes.com right now). Here, let's go to the movies:

Wow, that was outstanding! And so much easier than actually driving to a theater and tossing another $10 on this raging bonfire of a franchise. I've gotta keep that in mind the next time Hollywood releases a sequel to Shrek. At any rate, we've just seen the full trailer for Twilight: Eclipse (I considered writing this review based on the teaser trailer, but how fair would that have been, not to mention unprofessional?), so let's get into the review. Be forewarned that I may actually see Twilight: Eclipse later in the week, but only if someone can find enough roofies to get me in the car without killing someone.

In Twilight: Eclipse, the film opens in what appears to be Twin Peaks. Bella Swan -- who you know as the girl being forced to choose between a sparkling, ladyboy vampire and a werewolf created in the image of Matt Damon in Team America: World Police -- is sitting around in her little house, writing notes to someone in what appears to be Lucinda Sans font. Yes, Twilight: Eclipse reveals that Bella can write in perfect 10-point font, meaning that she should probably get a job with Kinko's. 

Bella is mad because Jacob -- the werewolf who rides the "Special Bus" to werewolf classes -- won't call her back. Already, I'm intrigued: Twilight: Eclipse is the story of a girl with a superpower -- "Font Writing" -- who's desperately seeking out whoever left that ugly-ass red truck in front of her house. This is so weird, I thought this movie was about vampires or something. Just goes to show ya: Twilight is so much deeper than all the haters think it is -- amIright?

Apparently, someone has been murdered, and Bella takes a motorcycle ride to figure out who it might have been. Despite the fact that there were three witnesses to the murder, "No one saw anything," which tells us something else: Everyone in Twin Peaks is blind. If there are witnesses who don't see things, that's the only logical conclusion we can come to. Furthermore, if everyone in Bella's hometown is blind, then it's probably very dangerous for her to be on a motorcycle trying to figure stuff out. Risky! Suspenseful! Font!

We're halfway through the movie at this point, and already I'm considering watching it a second time. 

"Jacob the Werewolf" takes Bella to the beach and explains that Victoria Jackson is loose somewhere in Twin Peaks. As you might expect, this is cause for concern: No one wants Victoria Jackson around anything, much less a city filled with blind people. Fortunately, Bella knows precisely why Victoria Jackson's in town: She wants Bella. Of course! She must want to harness Bella's ability to write in perfect font. This all makes sense now. And to think, at one point I thought this entire series was the very pinnacle of vapid, worthless, horrible scripting. This story rocks!

Little does Bella know, however, that "Edward the World's Sparkliest Ladyboy Vampire" is having an affair with "Jacob the Werewolf Who Might Be a Matt Damon Puppet." Behind her back, Jacob is stripping down to the waist and playing some sort of passionate arm-wrestling game in the woods with Edward. Oh, man, Bella's not going to be happy about this, is she? One can see why Edward is attracted to Jacob, what with those rock-hard, tasty abs, but do they really have to play Brokeback Mountain in the woods right outside Bella's house?

Suddenly, a bunch of things start happening. There are quick cuts, the guy above shows up with the world's lamest perm, and then -- suddenly -- people are flying through the air, just like in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I had no idea the Twilight films also featured kung-fu, but now that I know, I'll surely never mock this franchise again. Permy McPermerson explains to Bella that he's "fought her kind before," and I assume he's talking about whoever gave him that awful perm. Good God, man, get some relaxer (or whatever that stuff's called).

In the thrilling climax to Twilight: Eclipse, Edward asks -- no, tells -- Bella to marry him. They've been through a lot over the course of the movie: There was that ugly red truck, there was Jacob looking like he rides the short bus, there were flying vampires, some guy with a perm, and -- last but not least -- there's Bella's superpower to consider. Oh, what to do? Jacob's mad about Bella wanting to obey her vampire master, but she explains that it's not up to him, mainly because people that ride the short bus don't get to make decisions for people that don't ride the short bus. 

Very suddenly, Carrot Top shows up and grabs Edward by the throat. I suppose Carrot Top's playing Victoria Jackson? Carrot Top looks nothing like Victoria Jackson, but Victoria Jackson does look a little like Carrot Top, if you take my meaning. Anyway, she chokes Edward a little in the forest, so Bella puts on a wedding ring. Curiously, that's how the movie wraps up: Bella gets married because an evil Victoria Jackson wants her "Font Power" and chokes her sparkling boyfriend in the woods outside Twin Peaks. You know, that's totally not what I expected to happen in this film.

Overall, I'd say the film was a little short at two minutes, eight seconds, but I don't know how much more of this nonsense I could have taken. There was almost zero character development, the special effects were absurd (Did you see that werewolf? My dog's scarier-looking than that), and I don't like movies that feature A) Carrot Top or B) Victoria Jackson, who's just a waste of life. So, I'm afraid I'm going to have to give Twilight: Eclipse an F. Sorry, Twilight fans, but perhaps next year -- when Breaking Dawn's first half arrives (and we finally get to see how the filmmakers are going to handle Bella getting nailed so hard up against a headboard that it cracks and she goes into a coma) -- we'll have better luck. 

UPDATE:  MATT! DAMON!  As it turns out, your friendly, neighborhood Comedy Examiner has been invited to a screening of Twilight: Eclipse later today.  After hemming and hawwing about this for a few minutes, I've decided to go ahead and accept the offer.  For one thing, it's at the Alamo Drafthouse (the coolest movie theater in the world), and for another, the Alamo Drafthouse helpfully provides booze to those watching Twilight: Eclipse (once you've ordered it, of course).  So, fear not, Twilight fans: I'll be back later this evening with a brand-new, totally legit review of Twilight: Eclipse.  Seeing as how this will be my first Twilight experience, I'm really looking forward to it.  But mostly just the Drafthouse.  Hit the subscribe button so you don't miss it, suckers!  Hey, who put this here:

While you're here, make sure you vote in our current Comedy Examiner's Office poll: "Who should replace Steve Carell on The Office now that he's leaving?" Right now, Ricky Gervais is leading, but with your help, Tony Soprano might come in first. Yeah, it's that kinda poll. Stay tuned for more as it becomes available. In the meantime, we've got all manner of funny videos, news, reviews, interviews, recaps, funny pictures, and more to keep you entertained all summer long, so hit the "Subscribe" button up top to get all of it delivered straight to your inbox, free of charge, the moment it's published. Why, if that wasn't enough, we've also got some other recent Comedy Examiner articles for you to look over while you're here:

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FUNNY VIDEO: SURE, THE IPHONE 4 IS AMAZING, BUT CAN IT REALLY GIVE YOU MULTIPLE ORGASMS? (WITH NSFW VIDEO) -- in which we check into the rumor that the iPhone 4 will be able to give you or your mate multiple orgasms. Thanks, Steve Jobs!

COMMENTARY: THE TOP 5 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT "TWILIGHT" BEFORE YOU SEE "ECLIPSE" THIS WEEKEND -- in which the Comedy Examiner mocks "Twilight" for the umpteenth time and we see how many Twi-hards freak out in the comments section. Will they take the bait yet again? Probably not, but let's make fun of "Twilight," anyway.

FUNNY VIDEO: PAUL SCHEER PERFORMS A ONE-MAN STAGE SHOW BASED ON "ENTOURAGE" THAT'S TEN TIMES BETTER THAN "ENTOURAGE" (WITH VIDEO) -- in which everything that you just read in the title actually happens.

(photos: top--allmovieposters.com, all else--screencaps)