A parent's perspective on an eating disorder

As I have mentioned many times in this column, eating disorders are difficult to understand.  Those related to the person with the disorder often feel lost as to what they should do.  My own mother has been a wonderful support to me.  As soon as we realized I needed help she read many books for family members, took me to my appointments, and still attends the weekly friends and family group at Healthy Futures.

My mom also writes her own Examiner column called Transplants to Phoenix and she recently included local resources for help with eating disorders in her column. 

Because of all the experience she has had in dealing with my situation I thought she would be the perfect person to interview for a parent's perspective, and to help other parents to understand this disorder and how they can offer help.

Q: What is the hardest part as a parent?
A: One of the basic goals a parent has is to nurture their child and get them nourishment.
Even with a newborn baby you want to make sure that they are drinking enough and you
want them to thrive, so when you see your child literally starving herself it is a special
kind of worry. But then on top of that you finally realize that it's not just about the food.
That it is only the tip of the iceberg. It encompasses every aspect of being a parent.

Q: What did you do when you first noticed I was using eating disorder behaviors?
A: I talked to you and I kept talking to you and first you denied there was any problem.
When you finally accepted that you might need help, the first resources we used were a
dietician and a therapist, but when even that wasn't enough we kept adding layers of help
as needed.

Q: What is the worst thing that my eating disorder brought to our family?
A: A feeling that somehow I had totally failed you, and a fear for your very survival.

Q: Do you know now that you never totally failed me?
A: I guess. If you say so. (laughs)

Q: What is the best thing that my eating disorder brought to our family?
A: The ED is so much more than food so in the process of understanding all the underlying
issues that caused it, the skills we have learned in dealing with this have helped us in so
many ways. Communication skills, relationship skills, life skills, coping skills: they have
all added to our lives.

Q: Would you recommend that parents go to a support group too?
A: Oh, definitely. I think it is very helpful to be with other people that know what you are
going through since most people do not understand this disorder. It also means a lot to
your child to see that you are interested enough to attend a parent support group.
Reading the books out there, like Surviving an Eating Disorder, Strategies for Family
and Friends, are very helpful too. But I think there's nothing as dynamic as a live
dialogue with others in the same situation, while being monitored by a professional.

Q: What was it like for you when I got home from inpatient treatment?
A: It was very worrisome. It is like when you bring a new baby home from the hospital and
you don't know what to do. You think, why do they believe that I can do this on my own
now? I was scared about relapse. I knew the things we did before you went inpatient
hadn't work so well so I knew we had to do things differently. I still questioned the way
I did things and I knew it would be a big adjustment for you. I felt you believed that once
you got home everything would be easy and great, and I knew it wouldn't be that simple.

Q: What is it like trying your best not to play the food police?
A: Oh that is the hardest part! The first hundred or so times you hear a therapist tell you
that, you want to slap them upside the head! As much as they tell you not to do that and
it is not going to make a difference and it is not going to help, you do not believe it. I
hear so many people in the parent support group saying they do not care, they're saying
it anyway. Intuitively it seems to go against everything you want to do as a parent to
stop yourself from playing food police, and as much as you hear that it is not about the
food and you know that intellectually, it takes so long to wrap your head around this idea
and really believe it. But finally you realize they are right. Playing the food police may
falsely help you as a parent to feel more in control, but it does nothing to help the person
struggling with the ED.

Q: What was it like for you when I was away?
A: (chokes up) Well, it was a lot of things. Hearing a doctor say inpatient was needed, well,
those were about the most painful words I've ever had to hear. I think I was in denial
about it for a little while. Then I realized the doctors were right, and when you went it
was difficult to know that you were up there by yourself and missing us and wanting to
come home. It was so hard to make that decision to take what seemed like such a drastic
step, but at the same time it was a relief to know that you were safe and not have to see
you getting worse daily and to know you were getting help. I knew the ERC had very
caring professionals that knew what they were doing.

Q: Should parents tell the family and friends and how much should they tell them?
A: The hard part about telling people is again that people do not understand this illness
and their first instinct is to say, "just make her eat" so that is difficult when sharing
and talking about it. But it is a great relief to be able to share. It just mandates some
educating for others along with telling them. And when you were going inpatient and
we had to tell the family that, I was so proud of how supportive they were of you and us
and how loving. And I do believe expanding the number of people sending you good
thoughts and prayers helped.

(Unfortunately my mom decided to tell everyone including the landscaper).

Q: How can parents be supportive without enabling?
A: That's a great question! It's hard sometimes because there is a fine line between supporting and enabling. To me, supporting means listening, being there to help, validating feelings, providing what is needed in terms of financial support, meals, therapy, whatever. But sometimes it also means taking a hard stand and being adamant that your child finishes her course of treatment even when she says she hates it or insists she is better. You cannot always be your child's "friend" in this situation. Even if that makes you feel like a bad parent. And this disorder is so sneaky that it will make the person who suffers from it very demanding to the point where parents are pushed to their limits trying to be "supportive". I think if parents start to feel like giving up, it's time to re-evaluate the way you are supporting your child. Your child must do her part in terms of accountability for her own disorder and her own recovery. You cannot "make" her better. You need to set boundaries. Only then will you be able to keep going yourself. You must not give up, but give hope. I think hope is the most supportive element of all.

As much as I disliked my mother at the time for not enabling me and not letting me come home from inpatient when I would call her the first few days trying to cry my way out, I cannot thank her enough for not enabling me and not letting me come home from inpatient.  I am beyond grateful for all the support and love I get from my family.