I've spent months away from politics, the news just noise and lights, absent substance, absent truth.
In my time away I re-dedicated myself to the newfound American religion of cynicism, bought some shoes, wrote a poem, etc, etc. As Hippies re-rose I sat apathetically reading bean dip recipes online. When Rick Perry did the tarantella in celebration of an execution while a crowd of 17,000 cheered* I watched baseball.
I haven't been wandering listlessly though, I've been fighting for my own survival but I've learned thanks to a tucked away bit of wisdom that, well, "life is more than mere survival" and that beyond that, guided by the notion of more, well, "we just might live the good life yet".
Today I read that Herman Cain was leading in the polls, and since the only polls that matter are the GOP nomination polls almost 13 months ahead of an election naturally this means that he is going to continue to be a juggernaut.
I know little about Herman Cain but I know he has this 9 9 9 plan, and I know that if you turn that plan upside down it says 6 6 6. I know that is bad because I watch movies.
I think we can all agree that what this country needs, what it craves, is less bad and more good. Yes, less bad and more good. Say it aloud, let it fill the room and then take it to the street and shout at a stranger who is walking his dog and talking on his bluetooth, "LESS BAD, MORE GOOD!". We don't beat terrorists with more bad. We don't save our environment with more bad. And we certainly don't fix this economy with more bad. How do we do it? MORE GOOD!
Now I think I've found the man to fight against Herman Cain and his possibly satanic plan of 6's and 9's and flat things. They've got a Pizza King? Well we're goona get us The Sausage King of Chicago, Abe Froman. That’s right, he knows how the sausage is made and he is the man of destiny.
But why Abe Froman? Whether it is reaching across the aisle and persuading his opposition to bend to his will, avoiding diplomatic incidents with a deft touch, and inspiring people of all colors, all shapes, and ages, to sing, to dance, to shake it up baby now, Abe Froman is the man who has done it and he is the man who can do it again.
Who is the man who averted a game of thermonuclear war? Abe Froman
Who is the man who took down organized crime and Komodo dragon eating? Abe Froman
When Godzilla came who did we turn to? Abe Froman
Abe Froman is a glorious soldier, an educator, and the Lion King!
Now, I don't know if Mr. Froman will run, he's been quiet for quite a time, and there is the possibility that he is actually fictional but we must have hope once more and like Abe, ramming random pig parts into a casing, I am jamming my hope bits into Abe Froman.
*I didn't see Rick Perry do the tarantella or crump but I read about it on Twitter so it's just GOT TO BE TRUE. Also this was pardoy, and dear God I hope you got that.
The point of this is, if you think stating that a fictional, throw away character from a film is stupid take a good hard look at the people who are becoming dangerously close to legitimacy and vote with your head. Elections aren't reality shows and fringey people with bad ideas aren't amusing.
