In a recent sex crime case a Manitoba judge announced that the woman was dressed in a way that was an invitation to sex…his statement that sex was in the air- the woman responded to a man's kisses,and the clothing and makeup which she wore when she attended a bar played a part in his sexual assault on the victim. Alcohol was involved, flirtatious behavior played a part, the woman and the man involved responded to each other’s desire for attention, or affection. The woman was raped after saying no to sex. The man forced himself on her after she said no. The Manitoba Judge is under scrutiny for the "mixed messages" which he [The Manitoba Judge] has sent by his sentencing, or lack of sentencing.
A lesson in understanding invitations to sex and rape;
Oprah Winfrey said it best on many occasions on her shows about child sexual abuse: if a child stood naked in front of someone whether an adult, parent, or a babysitter etc. that it is up to the other person to say- “Go put your clothes on.”
It is not an invitation for sex. Children experience sexual feelings from a very young age. Children do not understand these feelings. Some children have been exposed to sex in some way, could be anything from TV., it could be from sexual advances by someone, including other children their own age.
By no means does this mean that the other person can claim she or he sent signals of invitation to sex. The child may even kiss the adult or whoever: somewhere they have witnessed this behavior: watching adults kissing showing affection- perhaps the child even loves the adult so much that the child has no way of expressing it- and kissing is something that they know and have learned as a way of expressing love. We kiss our babies, our children…we do not kiss them in an inappropriate way- although we know for a fact that {unfortunately} this is going on.
Do we blame the child, teen or victim for the sexual assault?
- Children are often confused when it comes to love, attention or their sexual feelings. They don’t know better. They don’t know anything about what it is they are experiencing- except that they are experiencing or feeling something.
- If the child kisses the adult or sits naked on his or her lap it is up to the adult NOT to respond.
- This is an opportunity for a conversation with the child about sex, and an opportunity to learn more about why this child is behaving the way he or she is. It’s time for questions and time to listen to the child – after of course the child is fully clothed.
- Ask the child about feelings, find out where the child is coming from, is it a confusion of feelings of love or has this child been exposed to sex in some way?
Let’s use an example of a young boy, only because people may better be able to understand this as an example;
Young boys experience erections from a very early age. They discover themselves, erections feel good, and they are supposed to. Now imagine if that little boy takes the hand of another, could be parent, or whoever and somewhat invites a touch to his erection; it is up to the adult to not touch the child’s genitals and say something to the child about inappropriate touching.
The child needs to learn and understand: that it is ok, for him to touch himself in private- however, it isn’t ok for anyone else to touch him- or his private parts. No shaming him, or his feelings for any reasons. These feelings are “natural” and the child needs to know this as well, his feelings are not wrong- however what is wrong is to expose himself to others and if others expose themselves to him that, that is wrong.
It’s time for age appropriate education based on the nature of his understanding or lack of understanding. It is our responsibility and duty to protect children.
- Never is this an invitation a consent to touch.
- Never is it ok, for an adult or anyone to kiss the child in a sexual way.
- Never is this ok to respond to your sexual feelings; It might even be natural in some twisted way that the adult or whomever has sexual feelings in that moment of the child’s immature and confused behavior.
- Never is it ok to act on your own sexual feelings or thoughts. It may be time to examine these thoughts or feelings and question them…where are these feelings coming from?
- None of this is normal behavior or responses.
The above example of an invitation to sex- regardless of age- might help others to understand that it is never ok to take advantage of or force oneself onto another.
Regardless that the woman went with him (the accused) into the woods is by no means an invitation to rape.
~ If the woman had gone into a vehicle with him, and he took her took her to a place and raped her that doesn’t mean that getting into the vehicle with him was an invitation for him to later rape her.
The woman said no.
Domestic violence and rape are common among couples... Because they once kissed, or kissed that evening, doesn’t give the man the right to rape her or force himself on her in any way. No is no- in all situations, in all languages.
Comments
The woman having said "no" is enough to disallow sexual pursuit by the rapist in question irregardless as to how she was dressed. The judge was out of line to violate the law himself, which gives no conditions for the woman's "no" to sex to be a flat out "NO" to sex based on the woman's clothing attire. By giving a lecture on her clothing attire in question starting off with "sex was in the air." as reason for her "NO" to be allowed to not be viewed as a flat "NO" forces me to ask if I might become the victim of injustice from the bench in like manner one day. The judge deserves a tongue wagging from his boss, whomever that is. If he is paid by the minister of justice that means he is paid by us....including the rape victim.
The unfortunate thing is that we can all become victims of these injustices when reporting sex crimes. All too often the victims are the one's to be blamed. Which is sad, because the victim often blames themselves anyway. Victims ask themselves "Why didn't I say no- sooner, or louder, or why did I allow myself to put myself in this situation?"
When reporting or disclosing incidences of sex crimes the victim is often interrogated, and re victimized by insensitive authorities and even members of the "community" -Society blames victims of many crimes committed against their properties etc. "Why wasn't your door locked" of your home, vehicle or other?
Why did you accept a ride from a stranger, or a drink at the bar if you didn't want to invite trouble? Why- why and more why's...they are directing the why questions to the wrong parties involved.
-- we the public need to ask the "Why" to the judge and justice system...why are they not doing their job which is to protect people, set precedents, and educate the people as a whole as to what is acceptable or unacceptable behaviors- behaviors which are, or can turn violent.
~ There is no excuse for a sexual attack on anyone...not ever. The woman was sexually attacked. End of story.
Excellent article, Karin. I can only hope this judge's ruling is challenged in appeals court and overturned. Very similar to the police officer in Toronto who told students at York University that in order to prevent rape they should stop dressing like sluts. Despicable when those in authority and positions of judgment use their power to blame the victims. We're going backwards if we accept this.
it's highly unlikely that the judges ruling will be challenged, or that there will be an appeal. If there is a challenge, it will only be that now we will need to re educate the insensitive judges, the justice system, and begin taking steps forward again after this judge took 2 steps (or more) back in cases of sex crimes.
The judge was wrong on so many levels. Despicable is right! It's disgusting, and judges like this or the police officer incident which you speak of need to learn to keep their big mouths and opinions to themselves...
So if I find the Judge attractive it is ok for me to rape him? If I his wealth attractive can I steal it? How about his car since I find it to be attractive, or does his right to own such property override my desire to posses it?. How can this judge make the distinction that the rapist was attracted to her because of her beauty or was he attracted to her vulnerabilities and his thrill of taking control. When I was 12 was it ok for me to be raped because I was a cute boy? What happend to our right to decide who touches us?
All of this seems to be about the abusers, or rapists protection and not about the victims. How many times or recent stories have we read that a rapists has been released, and we the public are given warnings to watch out for these monsters because they (justice judges and so on) have released the perps- knowing that they are at high risk to re offend?
Many times, too many times-
There are many articles here on this very subject matter.
The fact that he is appointed will likely make it easier to discipline him and or remove him from his post. If he were elected, he'd probably have to do something illegal to be removed. I understand that just about everyone, including the Feds have condemned this idiot for his judgement and have called for action against him. Let's give it some time folks and see how this unravels before we go about redesigneding our justice system, and start electing judges based on a campaign, instead of competance.
Most judges are appointed and not elected. Therein may lie the problem, or part of it....the other part is the lack of education and sensitivity when it comes to sex crimes.
It's unfortunate that he didnt keep his opinions or comments to himself if this is what he truly believes...
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