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6 Ways To Dump Your Valentines

6 Ways To Dump Your Valentines
6 Ways To Dump Your Valentines
Photo by Dave Kotinsky

Valentine’s Day is finally over and the pressure of this week has been put to rest. Now that you got what you thought was a special someone, they have really become a bad growth on your side instead. Let’s dump them, so you can move on with your life. The Valentine candidate is not working out to your expectations. The bedroom experience wasn’t an experience at all, sure, it was more like a question mark: What?

You could have gotten more heat off of an old electric blanket that your aunt Mildred got you ten years ago for Christmas, that, and a stiff drink would have been more stimulating. The new romance seems toxic, and it has only been a couple of days. Face-it, their breath stinks (you don’t care if garlic is good for them, it’s not good for you), their toenails are long and too top it all off their straggly looking. You do get the picture, or you should, because you’re living it.

The list can go on and on, sure. But, there is the bigger problem: how do you get rid of that butt of lard that you thought was great? For one, I am sure you are thinking: “How did I end-up with this cuckoo?” Many questions, I am sure you have. After all, you were warned, not to have too many drinks. Now look at what you brought home, sure everyone and anyone looks great when “you” are drunk. No wonder America’s divorce rate is so high! We’ll save that for another segment. For now, you have another matters to attend to.

It is complicated when you haven’t had someone in a while. It is quite understandable, that you feel a little painfully sorry for them, don’t give second thought. It’s tempting to want too housebreak them and keep the lug. I think that is called, “leading them on”, hey, we all love to have another pet around. However that is the good side of you, and you’ll regret it later. Or you can also tell them the truth, and explain why it wouldn’t work out. But truly it is best to be bad, it is so much more fun, and they’ll stay away forever.

You need to forget about all of the work you might have gone through to find love and assuming that the best time was Valentine’s Day to get it. All that money spent (I hope you didn’t have a tab going). In “6 Easy Ways To Meet Your Valentine”, there were other methods in finding a date. The following methods, is the wrench to rid yourself of the lug.

6 Ways To Dump Your Valentines

1. Normally, people swop numbers, but with today's day and age we use email addresses to stir-up conversations. Ask them: “How often do you check your email?” Depending on their answer, follow through with a goodbye email. Worried that they will write back asking “why”, well then, create another account just for that purpose, and don’t write back. You should always have at least three email addresses.

2. If they come by, that is very weird indeed. Tell them you can’t see them because you have made up with your old “X”, and you just can’t see them any longer. Apologize and move on from there, a little fake tear always help’s too (remember you are on stage for your academy award). Guys don’t like that idea of tears, you can just tell them straight out: “I found out my 'X' is expecting, so it’ll be wrong for me to be with you!” It’ll be nice if you give them a little, “I am sorry this happened between us.” Women are very understanding to that. For those of the same sex. Better yet: “I thought I had a crush on you, thinking you were someone else, but now I am with the person I truly love.” Then there is the old hammer and chisel routine: “I don’t think my friends will not approve of you, you seem to straight.”

3. You have to be really ruthless for this one to work. You send them out on an-earn (given them the cash, don’t expect change, of course). Once they return don’t open the door, hide or just quickly go out. They’ll give up, sulk a little, and turn to go home. Send them an email that very same night, and just tell them: “That you are on tranquilizers and it put you to sleep. Apologize, and tell them that you suddenly realize how nervous they make you feel”.

4. The following is the best I have found. Telling the lug that you would like to go out for dinner, lunch or just a trip to anywhere. Then do not show-up. They will possibly be persistent and try to call you, but just ignore those calls, and don’t listen to the messages. You don’t want to feel sorry for them, because you just might end up taking them back in.

5. Playing music sooth's the beast, however playing it very loudly rattles their nerves. If you really want to get rid of the lug, that you just can’t stand. Then talk loudly, so loud, up to the point that you attract attention to the two of you. No matter where you go, talk very loud. Once they speak to you, always answer them with, “What did you say?” Try that, and look away as they are speaking to you, then follow with a, “what” again. You do that often enough they’ll start to slowly get the hint, you hope. It will seem more like they are dumping you, and it is a better transition, than when you are dumping them. Make sure you act hurt, but not to hurt, just don’t over do it.

6. Bedbugs have been the new crave lately, everyone has them and yet nobody wants them. You don’t want to see the lug ever again. Tell them that you have a sudden infestation of the critters in your bedroom. That you didn’t know about it, but you are sure they (lug) are okay. However, tell them that, “you’ll need to stay away from the apartment or house for a month, and that you are now staying with friends, family and X love”. Use, which sounds best to you. If they insist in seeing you, then you have no new close to wear either. Use the crazed bug infestation in the nation to your advantage.

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