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5 ways to make the World Cup more Ameri-friendly

Atlanta, like the rest of the nation, has a mild case of the World Cups. Sure, some areas of the city are more passionate about the event than others but the holy triumvirate of sports (NFL, NBA, MLB) is hardly fearing a soccer-mania wave overtaking the nation. Unless...

5 sure-fire ways to make the World Cup more Ameri-Friendly (and more kick-arse!):

1. Make the white rectangle bigger. Bigger goals = more scoring action. Currently any goalie tall enough the ride the Scream Machine roller coaster can block anything on the top side. Raise the bugger at least a foot (okay, keep the international forces happy and raise it a meter). While you're at it widen the goals a half foot on both sides. Penalty kicks too easy? Then push that back a couple meters too.


2. For god's sake, either ban those incessant vuvua-losers or have a SAP program without the sickened/ tortured bird sounds. Certainly one of the Grateful Dead's unemployed sound technicians or perhaps Tom "Boston" Scholz can isolate the offending frequency and knock it way down. Got an app for that? The announcers at least add some color commentary, explanations of the game and background of what has occurred in the past 3 years and 11 months. That is, IF you can hear them without turning up the TV where the "locusts" or "buzzing bees" scare the family pet and drive the uninitiated completely looney.


3. Cheerleaders or dance team. Not during the action mind you, but switch to quarters to break up the action and allow visual breaks with each country's best socc-o-babes. Even our friends in the Middle East.


4. No more off-sides. If an offensive player goes way down towards the goal, you cover him. Like in basketball.


5. You can figure out a way to make it less than a month, right?
 

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