As we approach the homestretch of what is left of this year's “wedding season” there are many couples who have been dating or living together for a while and are considering marriage. Aside from choosing the "right mate" for oneself people often want to know how to avoid pitfalls in order to have a happy marriage.
Every marriage will have its share of challenges. One of the most common issues couples are said to face involves communication problems. I’ve always thought it kind of strange since most couples don’t start having issues with communication until after they’ve been together for a while. It’s almost the equivalent of moving to new city and never getting lost until after you’ve lived there a year!
One would think the longer you have been with someone or lived someplace the easier it would be to navigate around or understand them. Why do we start off having no problems communicating when we don't know one another?
Bait & Switch
The primary reason why most people don’t start having problems until after they’ve been together for a while is because both men and women tend to bend over backwards to impress each other during the infatuation phase of new relationship. The more attracted they are towards each other the more they are willing to make an effort to please this new person and avoid conflict as much as possible. Being with someone who seems to want to do everything you enjoy doing can lead one to feel as though they’ve met their “soul mate”. Within three to six months they’re saying: “I love you.”
After there is an “emotional investment” in the relationship and both parties have been introduced to family, friends, and co-workers gradually they start to reveal their “authentic selves” to each other. However most people do not completely relax and let loose until after they have gotten married.
Marriage has a way of giving some people false security. They act as if dating and courtship were the probation period for a new job and once the vows have been exchanged they no longer need to be on their best behavior. After all “the job” is forever theirs!
This belief leads some people to start slacking off or stop putting in as much effort as they did when they were trying to win their mate’s heart. Oftentimes “power struggles” arise in the marriage until each person decides what tactics works for them to make the best of things. It’s not uncommon to hear someone say about their spouse: “She/he is not the same person I fell in love with.” The following are five common complaints that some husbands have about their wives.
1. Mood Swings that Defy Logical Reasoning
Some men feel as though their wives intentionally look for things to argue about. It's as if being happy and co-existing (peacefully) bores them to death!
After working all day the last thing most husbands are up for is having a fight with their wife. Although there are many men who will fight fire with fire there are also those who shut down and retreat to the “man cave”. These men are often viewed as being “passive aggressive”.
Most men are baffled over how much can change within twenty-four hours from a woman’s point of view or emotional state. It’s one thing if there has been a lingering issue but to go from having a romantic passionate night to World War III is unfathomable to most men. Having said that there are instances where medically it has been proven some women have severe PMS issues that affect their moods. Nevertheless from the male point of view it’s irrational to go from happy to mad.
2. She's Perfect and He is a Work in Progress!
Whether the man is age 30, 40, 50, or beyond in her eyes it's a "miracle" he survived before she came into his life! He doesn't know how to boil water, make a bed, fold towels, or even load dishes in the dishwasher - "correctly" aka her way! Some women truly believe: “You have to train a man.” Very few guys are looking to be changed.
3. Instant Demotion on Her Priorities List
Men typically marry the women they love. They view their children as offspring to their union. Although they love their children very much most still put their wife at the top of their priority list. Naturally there are exceptions and some guys have been known to treat their wives like servants. A lot of men view themselves as being at or near the bottom of their wife’s list of priorities.
1. Children 2. Her "Me time" 3. Her (parents/siblings) and extended family. 4. Her best friends for life. 5. Any pet (cat/dog) she owned prior to marriage. 6. Husband
4. Having Sex is Doing Him a Favor
Sex to her is something to be used on a reward/punishment basis. She never initiates it or makes him feel desirable. Over time she desexualizes the marriage where there is 0% eroticism. Oftentimes this leads a lot of the guys to venture onto porn sites and visit strip clubs. They want the "fantasy" of having a woman throw them self at them or make them the center of attention because they never get that treatment at home. Their dream is having “a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets.”
5. She treats him like a human ATM machine
If he can't earn money quicker than she can spend it then he is a "loser". If she earns more than him she resents him for it. When it comes to money there is no "Us & We". There is only "You & Me". His money covers their expenses and her money is for doing whatever she wants. He’s supposed to break the bank for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day. In return he counts his blessings for getting a tie, underwear, a pair of socks, and wait for it…. a new set of tools!
Complaints vary from marriage to marriage as well as what challenges the couple may be facing at a particular phase in their marriage. It’s probably a good idea from time to time to imagine yourself in your spouse’s shoes. As the old adage goes:
“Treat people the way you want to be treated”