Just about everyone has experienced a breakup or a divorce if they’ve lived long enough and have had more than one relationship. It can be a very painful experience especially if you were not the one to reach the conclusion the relationship has run its course.
Questions regarding how to move on frequent blogs, articles, and topics for relationship books. Oftentimes however the person asking how to move on does not really want to move on. Below is one such example.
“I’ve recently gone through a separation from my husband. We have been together for 9 years and one day he suddenly decided to leave without my knowing. He just didn’t come home that day. He contacted me that night and he said he was sorry it had to end this way. I was so shattered and so hurt. I didn’t know what to do. Even now I am still in pain. He told me to “move on” but half of me is still hopeful that one day we will be together again. I am crying every day because of the pain and our memories. It is so hard to move on, so hard to forget him. Any advice is helpful.” - Gayle B.
First of all I'm sorry to hear your marriage did not work out as you hoped it would. Nevertheless it is impossible for you to forget about your ex just as it is impossible to forget you were ever married in the first place. It's unrealistic to believe you can simply erase 9 years of your life. Grieving is natural.
Moving on is not about forgetting it's about letting go
As long as you are thinking: "Half of me is still (hopeful) that one day we will be together again..." you will never move on! The following are three steps designed to help you move on.
- Accept your relationship or marriage is over
This is the most difficult step of all. It requires one to remove their "rose colored glasses" and stop "romanticizing" the past. Odds are you have "conveniently forgotten" things you disliked and major disagreements you had. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.
Closure is often a term bantered around after breakups and divorces. However needing your ex to do or say something before you can move on is not empowering yourself! There is nothing your ex can say that would make you feel better about having your heart broken. The reason why one person ends a relationship with you could be the very reason why the next person falls madly in love with you. It makes no sense to attempt to change for your ex. Theoretically getting closure sounds like a good thing but in reality waiting around for closure is giving power to your ex to determine when you can start taking steps to move on with your life.
- Put things in perspective
In order for (him) to be "the one" he would have to see (you) as being "the one"! At the very least a "soul mate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! That rules him out as being "the one".
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde
Anyone who quietly and "covertly" moves out of the house without saying a single word after 9 years of marriage clearly doesn't think (you) are "special". Logically you have to know this and it makes no sense to want to get back with someone who'd treat you that way.
- Make room in your life for someone new.
Odds are you probably still have photos displayed of you and him together as well as some of his personal belongings he may have left behind. Imagine if you were dating a new person and they walked into your home. Are there things that shouldn't be on display or imply that you are in a relationship? If so, remove them. It takes time to move on but realize this: Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you.
Awhile back I wrote an article you might find helpful.