Part of being beautiful and staying true to yourself is knowing when to get out of a bad relationship, and learning the signs of such things. Living in Los Angeles, as well as other parts of the world, there is no shortage of crazy, especially in the city of Angles, and Angels.
From many a personal experience I have learned first hand just how much havoc a toxic relationship can have on ones life. From family to friends, to general physical and mental health they can, and will, destroy everything you’ve worked your entire life for.
If you should ever find that you have slipped into one, don’t beat yourself up. Especially since the other person, and many of your loved ones, will do that for you.
What is important is recognizing the situation, accepting that it has happened to you, and exiting safely. Sometimes the exit is in secret, other times you have to stand up and bully them back to get them out. Always keep in mind, some people are sicker than others, which means keep your safety, and the safety of those you care about in mind when making your leave.
Usually the best way is to remove said person from every aspect of your life is to block the person from all of your online accounts, your phone, change your number if you have to, document things incase they do escalate and you have to get a restraining order, tell your friends that you no longer want to be involved with said person and to NOT give them your information, and move forward with your life.
Move forward with your life without them. It isn’t your job to fix, or parent, your partner. Yes, when we are in relationships we need to be there for each other, but I’m not talking about proper healthy relationships here, I’m discussing the kind that make you think you are crazy, when it is really the other person. The kind that make everyone around you, including your employers want to run for the hills. Do you hear me borderline personality people of the world? Many people have mental disorders and/or unresolved issues. However, instead of making excuses and finding the many many reasons why they treated you this way, thereby placating their horrible behavior, let us think about the 25 signs you may be in a toxic relationship so that you can either get help &/or get out.
Signs you are in a toxic relationship:
1) You used to have friends. Now they are few and far between. They are in the ethers of the universe and you feel that the distance between time and space is so much, that you can’t reach them, and the ones that you do keep, you hide from your significant other, so that, said partner doesn’t get mad at you for talking to them, or giving them attention that could have otherwise been spent on said partner.
2) You are treated like an object that they can just put away in the closet, shelved in a box, and deny you of all of your personal freedoms.
3) They have sexual relations, or try to, with your friends, or other people they know after you’ve both decided to be monogamous.
4) Every time you try to do something nice, it is never good enough, resulting in them throwing a tantrum and you feeling blindsided, insulted, and confused.
5) If they threaten you or anyone that you know who hasn’t harmed you, in any way, you need to get out now.
6) Asking you to marry them 1 week into casual dating.
7) Preaching that their mother was a saint and that you will never live up to her majestic qualities. That you will never be good enough.
8) The backhanded compliment, and crazy making, all for purposes of making you have no self-esteem. For example, “You are so cute/beautiful! God you are gaining weight! You might want to hit the gym more.” Then it turns into, “You’re going to the gym? WTF who are you f-ing? F-ing whore, I knew you were a whore!” Insert whatever insult you like, it’s the same crazy making situation where you will never win. When a person thinks that because they “love you” or say they “love you” they can say things like this to you. WRONG. That is exactly why you CAN’T say things like this to someone you love. The world is a rough enough place, you don’t need to go home to things that are awful as well. There are proper ways of addressing issues should you need to. A putdown/insult followed by a compliment, then carrying onto another day of insults, isn’t one of them, unless you hate the person and wish them dead. In which case, you shouldn’t be with them.
9) If they call you 15-100 times a day, everyday, always checking on what you are doing. If you don’t answer they accuse you of cheating. In this case, you will usually find out they are the ones who are cheating, and projecting it onto you. Get out. You can’t have a life, or even personal head-space if someone is clogging up your phone, especially in a day and age where our phones are basically personal computers and many of us need them free, and turned on, so that we can be called in case of emergency, or work.
10) If the person ever insults, or otherwise treats your child in a disrespectful way, and your child isn’t a juvenile delinquent, that person needs to get escorted to the door ASAP. I don’t care how much you like sexual relations with them. If they mess with your kid, they get kicked. Period. DO NOT EVER LET ANYONE ABUSE YOUR CHILD, EVEN IN SUBTLE WAYS. KIDS PICKUP ON EVERYTHING. Even if your child is a juvenile delinquent, that is your job to take care of, not theirs, and unless you have specifically stated that they can help you in that department, they have no business going there.
11) If you are having sex 5-10 times a day, all the time. This is a problem. At first things are exciting, and if you are naturally a person who is aroused often, it can be great, it can be a plus. However, if he/she needs sex that much every day, all the time, you need to get out, NOW. You are not a blowup doll.
12) Wants to introduce you to their family within the first week of meeting. Get out now. You aren’t even at a point where you know yet if this is a forever thing, so why would you want to waste your time dealing with the stress of meeting all the relatives? Trust me, you don’t. He will be insulted but if he is truly in it for the long run, he/she will respect that you want to take the family things slow, and wait.
13) Is overly nice, followed by negative behavior, followed by threatening behavior. Also known as, the common abuse cycle. Super nice, tension builds, abusive release, then back to super nice. For some this cycle can take years to complete, for others, they will cycle through it within a day, sometimes more than once a day. NO FUN. Get out now. It’s not you, it’s them.
14) You used to have self-esteem, but now feel totally worthless.
15) They want you to quit your job/career/etc. and get an entire new life where you are only surrounded by people of your same sex, who aren’t gay/lesbian/bi. Yet, they can do whatever they want.
16) They are drug addicts, and you are not. If they LOVE marijuana, and you HATE marijuana, it will never work. Get out. If they are active drug addicts, get out, unless you want to face years of demons from those addictions and be treated in horrible ways. Just leave. No matter how much you think you love them, leave. Also note to be aware, some people like to get their significant others drunk so that they wont notice how bad they are being treated and can then turn around and use the drinking against them. I’ve met many women who’s significant others would do such things to make sure that they didn’t notice what was really going on, but first they frame it as, lets relax and have a drink very casual and chill. Then they tell the women that they have a drinking problem, when in reality that isn’t the case. That isn’t what it is, it’s a manipulation tool, one to take you down, one that you don’t need.
17) Anger/hostility. Everyone has emotions. Everyone has anger, and issues with life. That is normal. What is not normal is directing them in a way that is a detriment to your significant other. For example, laying in bed watching TV, you’ve had a nice morning, nothing wrong that you know of, and BAM he is yelling at you about things that don’t even make sense. However, the trigger is he has to go to work or somewhere else, and leave you alone!!! God help you to be left alone, it’s not like you haven’t grown into an adult and been by yourself without having sex with someone else before. Mind you, this is really important to catch, especially if you have never strayed. This type of behavior will not be modified, it will intensify and get worse. You have to get out. Keeping you in a constant state of panic so that you always feel like you will do something wrong, even when you aren’t, will kill you. It will break you down emotionally and physically.
18) If your partner is always criticizing you, get rid of em. As a creative person I will not allow anyone in my life who puts me down, especially in the creative sense. If they criticize, or otherwise say negative things about your work or hobbies, unless your hobbies are going to a sex colony, get rid of them. Unless you both share the sex colony interest, then go be you. There are ways to give constructive criticism, but you are only allowed to do so if asked. Likewise, if your significant other engages in activities that you don’t approve of, and they aren’t willing to stop doing them, you have to make the responsible decision and leave.
19) You have a cool job. You meet someone who you think is happy with their career title, or working on one that is the opposite of what you do, then they say, you know I’ve always wanted to try YOUR job. Again, there are ways of expressing such a thing, and ways that basically just tell you that you are being used, and not just for sex.
20) Name calling. Look, we all have called someone an asshole or bitch or whatever. BUT when someone does it all the time, or is constantly calling you a whore, you need to leave immediately. That is not how you talk to someone that you love.
21) Never taking responsibility for ones actions. If everything is your fault all of the time, from the taxi cab being late, to the fact that he took to long to get ready and will now be late, he’s gotta go. Part of being an adult is knowing when to say you are sorry and taking responsibility for your actions. If someone is in their 40’s and still doing this, they will not change. Get out before you believe that everything in the world, including the weather is actually your fault.
22) You have changed your entire self. You look in the mirror and see a shadow of who you used to be. You’ve changed yourself to make them yell at you less, put you down less often, like you more, etc. etc. yet they never let up, you have to get out. In a day and age where we are all trying to learn to be our authentic selves, to find some semblance of happiness in a stressful world, this is incredibly important. Yes, we all have to adjust to the new significant other, but not in this way.
23) All of your friends are telling you something is wrong. Listen to them and get some distance and prospective away from the person who is making you feel crazy.
24) Badboys/Badgirls are only good for the short fun. The pump and dump aka random one night stands which may or may not last years while you both are single. Fine, you are consenting adults, do what you want. However, do not force them into a relationship before they are ready unless you are prepared to be in for a world of hurt. Listen to them when they say they aren’t ready, and hear them. Keep in mind that when they are finally ready, it probably wont be you that they choose, after all you are the fun time person and now they want someone who will love them for who they are and they don’t see you that way, and if they do finally choose you it can be 10 years before they do. That is 10 years of heartbreak, do you really want to put yourself through that? You have to be honest with yourself, some people don’t mind, others can’t handle it. Don’t be someone who you are not just to please someone who isn’t even going to marry you, or give you the family that you secretly want.
25) If you used to love yourself, and now find that you don’t love anything. That your entire life is a chore, your world in chaos. Something is wrong and you need to face the fact that you let someone into your life who is bad for you. There is no need to beat yourself up about it. However, it is incredibly important to acknowledge it. Get rid of that person. Take time out to heal yourself. Get back into contact with your friends, apologize if you did something incredibly hurtful and stupid, while with said person that was totally unacceptable, all to placate the abuser, take responsibility for it, say you are sorry and mean it, and be ready for said former friends to not be ready to be back in your life, but at least you will know that you tried to right your wrongs.
Let the people who care about you know what is going on. You don’t have to go through this alone. Some people are, by nature/nurture, insane and love to spread that insanity wherever they can.
If you are trying to have the best life you possibly can live, then don’t let yourself get caught up in it. Yes, we all want to be loved, most of us even love falling in love, but never confuse good sex for love, and never let sex be the reason for staying. Especially if it’s a religious decision of not wanting to be “that” person, one who has been sexual with more than 1 person their entire life. Get out, the number of people you share yourself with isn’t relevant in the grand scheme of things, and it certainly isn’t anyone’s business. If you find yourself in any of these bad situations get out. You will eventually heal, learn to love your life again, and learn to make better people decisions. It will just take some extra work on your part to repair the damage.
Remember good relationships, like good friendships are based on a mutual understanding of the other person, trust, and mutual respect. In order to build a wonderful future together you must deal with your own demons, past trauma, past relationships, and be ready to build your wonderful new life. It is never easy sharing your life with someone, but it shouldn’t be the most awful thing in the world either.
Beauty comes from within, it radiates to all corners of the earth. Don’t waste your time, your youth, your middle ages, with anyone who doesn’t want to let your beautiful self shine. This list can go both ways, gender wise, there are enough people in the world and with time, and self work, you will find one that fits properly into your life, and you into theirs. Then you will both be beautiful shining images of your dreams. You only have one conscious life to live, so live it and don’t let anyone take it away from you, you don’t deserve to live in a horror movie. You deserve the happy ending.
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