March 3, 2010
Even violating dress code will not get you fired
Who among us hasn’t been plagued by the dilemma of how to get out of our horrible job and still retain as much dignity as possible? Quitting is for quitters. Getting fired, however, is an art form.
Here are a few of my recommendations:
- Turn your cubicle into a “fort” and demand everyone who enters to give a secret password.
- Advertise office equipment on eBay. If you are caught, tell your boss to be fair, they’ll have to participate in the auction just like everyone else.
- Adjust your office printer’s settings to a different language, i.e. Greek. When someone asks you what happened, simply reply, “I don’t know…it’s all Greek to me!”
- Breakroom microwave oven experiments with metal forks, raw eggs, and hamsters.
- Ex-Lax looks a lot like chocolate when baked into delicious looking cookies for the office.
- Clean out the breakroom refrigerator by unplugging it over the weekend. By Monday morning, trust me - they’ll want it cleaned out or replaced.
- Clear nail polish works great on a boss’s pen.
- Skip a few days of work. Return with a note from your Mother claiming you were sick.
- Tired of the overhead elevator music? Switch that repetitive tape to death metal.
- Post ads on Craigslist for your replacement. Bring interviewees to the HR lady without her prior knowledge.
- Contact I.T. and request your company e-mail be changed to “Skippyfirstname.lastname@example.org”
- Throw a “kegger” in the breakroom. Explain it was to improve company morale, starting with your own.
- Replace your co-workers lunches with one extra long kielbasa sausage.
- Order useless items from Oriental Trading Company and sell them as school fund raisers for your kid’s school. This is especially funny when you have no children.
- Nothing beats Satanic symbols decorating the walls of your cubicle. Well, maybe a sacrificed goat on your desk, but it’s a really close contest as to which will get you fired first.
- Answer every question with: “I don’t know, let me ask my boss.” Then, never ask your boss. This frees up your day and eventually leads to people no longer asking anything of you.
- When people “pop-in” to ask you about a project, state proudly, “I’m not in right now, please leave a message.” Make sure you turn your chair away from them after making your statement.
- Answer your phone with local theater movie times. “Thanks for calling Bob Johnson. Tonight, “Die Hard”, starring Bruce Willis, will show at 6:15pm, 8:30pm, and 10:15pm.” Then hang up.
- Make up religious Holidays and demand the day off with HR. “What? This company doesn’t honor National bear-testicle day? I was under the impression when I was hired I’d be off to celebrate with my family!” Trust me, in today’s hyper-sensitive workplace environment you’ll get months off doing this.
- Imagine the entire business has now gone to the dogs. Bark, woof, and pant as often as you can.
- Fake appointments. When your boss asks, “Can you go down to Accounting and get the TPS report?” Reply with, “Oh, I’m sorry. I have an appointment.” Then leave.
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