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2016 RNC Convention should be held anywhere but Dallas, TX

U.S. Senator Rand Paul, son of former Congressman Ron Paul and heir apparent to their Paulbot "fire ant" followers.
U.S. Senator Rand Paul, son of former Congressman Ron Paul and heir apparent to their Paulbot "fire ant" followers.
Photo by Darren McCollester/Getty Images

I'm from Dallas. It is my home. For the longest time I did not actually reside "in" the City of Dallas. When people asked where I was from, even when I lived in Farmers Branch or Denton, and even though I spent more time in Arlington as a child than in Dallas, I always responded, "I'm from Dallas." With foreigners I still respond, "Texas." But I'm a Dallas boy. Always have been, always will be.

So the thought of hosting a Republican National Convention in the Kay Bailey Hutchison Convention Center in downtown Dallas, Texas thrills me. Just, not in 2016.

The problem with 2016 is that my native Texas is home to a particularly obnoxious breed of fire ant--Paulboticus Fireantia. And they are drawn to Republican political conventions in particular.

This breed of critter has performed a remarkably quick evolution, having begun as the Libertaricuss Fireantia, heavy on the cussing and general obnoxiousness. Their slightly more advanced cousin has developed a remarkable ability to imitate Republicans and Conservatives, earning their breed the more frequently known name, "LIARs," or 'Libertarians Impersonating A Republican. They are immediately known by their hurling of epithets such as "RINO" and "Establishment" and calling anyone not of their breed any number of names. Statist, neo-cons and "Taliban" are among the more common.

And Texas has a particularly large allotment of these nasty beasts, which makes the prospect of hosting the national convention here a bad idea. At least for 2016.

These creatures made a transition into the Republican Party through the presence of Congressman Ron Paul and his son, U.S. Senator Rand Paul. And without serious opposition from the GOP, their followers have been allowed to inbreed, multiply and thrive in the Republican Party despite their obvious Libertarian behavioral tendencies and ideological bent.

These fire ants have an overbearing presence and do not work well with elephants in particular. Comically, they try to portray there being no difference between a majestic elephant and your common, indigenous jackass. They are particularly adept in Robert's Rules of Order and parliamentary procedure, at the exclusion of actually getting anything accomplished. And while they like to preach the ideal of the "Rule of Law," their complete exclusion of the concept of the will of the majority in the GOP in an attempt to transform the party into the Libertarian Party of their origin must not be ignored.

Texas would be a great place to hold a convention in 2020 after winning the White House back in 2016. But holding the RNC in Dallas in 2016 promises to bring out a particularly strong effort by the fire ants in support of their preferred candidates, Randpaulian Applefallicus and Tedcruzian Ohcanadian. Which promises to disrupt a convention which must instead be pulled off without significant disturbances. Tampa 2012 cannot be replicated or duplicated. So hosting the RNC in the state with the largest population of fire ants is simply a bad, bad idea.

Send the RNC to Ohio in 2016, where the GOP must flip the state red in order to win the White House. Bring President Christie, Bush or Walker to Texas for re-election in 2020 when they are the incumbent and the RNC is much more show and party than battle for the eventual nominee, which 2016 promises to be.

I'd love to show the nation the great changes we've experienced in Dallas in the last 20 years. I'd love everyone to marvel at the athletic arenas. By then we may even have another one in Fair Park if the Rangers move there (rumored). Let us introduce you to our now vibrant downtown, which will hopefully be that much more thriving by 2020.

Just, go to Columbus or Cincinatti before coming down here. Texas has an infestation of fire ants we need to dispense with first.

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