If you want to live to be 111 years old, just smoke a pack of cigarettes a day and drink sherry constantly, according to the world’s most awesome 111-year-old.
Dorothy Peel of East Yorkshire, England turned 111 yesterday and attributed her longevity to a steady diet of the things “scientists” commonly, but apparently incorrectly, attribute to poor health.
“I drank regularly throughout the day. In the morning I had half a pint of sherry, for lunch a gin and tonic and around 7 p.m. a small ginger ale with a bit of whisky. These days I just have a sherry now and again … I used to smoke 20 [cigarettes] a day but not anymore.”
Peel, who we assume will soon have statues erected in her honor, says that even though she’s mostly given up smoking, she still might “have the odd cig at Christmas or New Year along with pink champagne,” an admission that should make all smokers breath a heavy sigh of relief just before they lapse into a violent coughing fit.
The saintly woman went on to say that “I think not having had kids has helped. That’s probably why I look and feel so good.” This revelation was met with vigorous head nods from men at bars worldwide, who then offered to buy Peel a drink.
Peel, who is old enough to remember the sinking of the Titanic -- the freaking TITANIC -- in 1912, had heartening advice for alcoholics and nicotine fiends everywhere.
“So much for [the now debunked theory that] smoking and drinking isn’t good for you. I am living proof that a little of what you fancy does you good,” our new personal hero said.