20 ways to help your teenager be and feel capable: Positive Discipline parenting

Positive Discipline is based on the work of Alfred Adler. Adler believed that pampering was extremely unhealthy for children. Positive Discipline tools aim to teach children how capable they are. One of the Adlerian guidance principles is, “Never do for a child what he can do for himself.” Positive Discipline and Adlerian theory believe that children who feel capable have fewer reasons to misbehave and more skills to cope with life.

Most all parents continue to do tasks for children and teenagers out of guilt or lack of confidence in kids or because kids won’t do the task as well as the parent will. Of course, children won’t know how to do the tasks at first. Children and teens need training.

The list below is aimed at parenting teenagers. All of the ideas below are ones that hand over life skills to teenagers. Parents, count how many tasks below that you’ve passed on to your teenager and choose a new one to start working on. Remember that your teenager may not be thankful now that you've handing over the skill to them and that your child will make mistakes as he or she learns a new skill.

20 ways to help your teenager be and feel capable    

1. Ask your teenager to help you cook dinner one night each week
2. Allow your son or daughter to put on the new license plate or sticker on the car they drive
3. During a family meeting, ask a teenager to help clean up after dinner two nights of the week
4. Coach your teenager through the process of opening a bank account
5. Stop doing laundry for teenagers. Teach them how to do their own laundry
6. Tell your teenager you will stop getting them up for school in the morning (if you happen to be doing this). Ask them what their plan is for getting up on time.
7. If your teenager has a job, show him or her how to file a tax return. Resist the urge to do it for them.
8. If your teenager wants his or her driver’s license, ask him or her to find out the proper documents needed to apply.
9. Send your teenager to the store to buy a few grocery items on their own
10. Allow your teenager to go to a dentist or other appointment alone.
11. Ask your teenager to help cook or prepare an entire dish for a holiday meal
12. Divy out yard work to all family members
13. Let your teenager paint his or her own room. (Remember to train first.)
14. Give your teenager an allowance each month or each week for spending money
15. If relatives live near by, ask your teenager to drop off food or other item to the relative.
16. Give your teenager opportunities to pump gas, if they drive
17. Instead of shopping for items your teen needs (such as a new mouth guard for sports, new guitar strings, shaving cream, etc.), have your teen go with you or send them on the errand to do alone.
18. Let your teenager check and change the battery in the smoke alarm in their room or in the entire house.
19. Follow through in getting teens to clean up after snacks.
20. In a tone that expresses confidence and encouragement, say, “Hey, I think this is something you can do on your own, without me” or “Hey, I believe you can do this. I’ll show you how to get started.”