It’s not really much like a beauty pageant. It’s certainly not a talent competition. There is no scholarship offered, so it can’t fake it like so many Barbie parades are relabeling themselves recently.
Three young women got on stage at the Lion’s Lair (2022 E. Colfax, Denver) Sunday and put on a show for the audience as well as a panel of three unqualified judges. They came in character, representing contestants who were sexy, funny, or really quite disturbing.
The idea began with just enough whiskey only six days prior to the event. Burlesque performer Dixie DeeCupz got drunk at the Lion’s Lair with artist and contestant Misery Vongorenkunt. They wanted to add a performance piece to the Lion’s Lair’s June 6 art show and concert.
Misery really wanted something to get the audience involved.
“It’s basically a pageant for hecklers to enjoy,” she said.
Dixie just wanted to see hot girls strutting on stage. And boobs. She felt the bar could use more boobs on display.
They worked quickly with Mikey Hardluck, who tends bar at the Lair when he is not booking and promoting shows. He got to work recruiting contestants and judges.
Soon Chuck Beefer was involved as an MC. Beefer is best known for his work on the upcoming less than low budget grindhouse feature Hot Lead, Hard Fury.
A couple contestants committed, then a few judges. Dixie and Misery soon realized too many people were involved for them to back out, so they pushed ahead with the plans.
While the judges didn’t have a lot of experience in their roles (Sid Pink got his position because his doomed marriage began on 6/6/06, which made him feel entitled to a seat on the panel), they took their positions seriously.
Mr. Pink was specifically looking at contestants for: “Evil. And height. 72 inches minimum!”
Mr. Pink stands 5’7” in good heals.
But the women had their own objectives. Satan’s Little Monkey was clear on her objectives. “I’m hoping to win. And transmit disease.”
Both were achievable goals. She took the stage and immediately began spitting blood on nearby judges. She would later plant bloody kisses on each judge and Chuck Beefer.
The Little Monkey was not the only one to add generous portions of red corn syrup to her wardrobe. Misery soaked her upper body with the horror effects staple. To avoid a mess within the bar, she had Dixie douse her with a full cup of the stuff in a Colfax alley. Passersby did not seem to react to the young woman walking back to the bar in a corset dripping with blood.
Jiji Deluge was the lone contestant not to make use of Red Dye #5 in a syrup base.
The structure was loose. Competitions began with a psychic challenge. There were some questions from judges. Misery Vongorenkunt launched into a monologue in what we can only guess was a mix of Eastern European accents. Jiji took off her clothes.
Despite the ample skin shown, the blood displayed, and the evil skills employed; the judges would not grant any contestant more than six out of ten points.
All three judges gave all three contestants a score of six.
Due their inability to elevate one over the other, the organizers will turn to the audience for a vote at the June 6 event. Be at the Lion’s Lair that night to cast your vote. Each contestant will be there, appealing directly to the audience for support.
Your vote does matter! The winner will attend various events throughout the year as the crowned Mistress Six Six Six. She’ll also serve on the judges’ panel next year. Perhaps she can make a decision when the men predictably fail.
While you’re waiting for the final tally, check out original art from over 17 local artists and bounce to some punkish hillbilly music.
Cover charge is, of course, six dollars.
Author’s note: all names used in this article are obviously stage names to protect the good reputations of all involved.