How do women define what makes them look and feel sexy?
This is a question I have asked myself for quite some time. I even offer a workshop for women exploring this very issue. Women have been told for hundreds if not thousands of years what they have to look like in order to be a “sexy” woman. Each culture has it's own definition of beauty and what a sexually attractive woman is, and these attitudes are reflected in the way women are told to dress, behave and act. Today we have Madison Ave., fashion magazines, movies and music lyrics that tell us how you can be a “sexier” you. We are constantly bombarded with messages that tell us how we should look, act, think, feel and what we should wear in order to be a sex goddess, have a fulfilling sex life, have the man of our dreams and so on.
With all of our advancement in the workplace, in some political arenas and in with some of our male/female relationships, women are still living within the framework of the old paradigm that was created some 5,000 years ago. Although the standards of what men in general define as “sexy” may have changed, the attitudes have not. You may find that you are still defining yourself according to these standards that most of us had no part in creating. And if you are a "woman of a certain age", then this question of how you define what a sexy woman is will begin to mean something entirely different.
Have you ever taken a moment to just reflect on what makes you feel and look sexy? What types of clothing make you feel that you have a sexy body, or that you are a sexually powerful woman? If you were to take a look at your wardrobe, what would you find that truly reflects how you define what being and looking like a sexy woman is? You may think that the choices you have made are your own, but are they really? Where do we get these ideas of what sexy looks like, or what a sexy body is supposed to be?
Not too difficult a question really, for as I already mentioned, these ideas that we often think are our own are only a reflection of what our society, culture dictates to us and in it has been men for the most part who have dictated these things to us. For thousands of years since the inception of patriarchy men have set down the standards of beauty and sexuality for women, and women have essentially been trying to live out those ideals.
In a recent book I read by Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth, I learned quite a bit about how Madison Ave. works to train the minds of women to buy whatever they wish to sell. Now women work in this industry too, so it is not just men who tell us what to buy. What disturbed me the most was reading that women actually believe in what they are being told to buy without much question and this is primarily due to the fact that a great many women have very low self-esteem and do not trust their own judgment. So what does this all mean and how can we be the change that we ourselves desire to have?
In a recent workshop I took a room full of women were allowed to ask a panel of 6 men questions. One of the questions was, what defined a sexy woman for them. The answers were somewhat unexpected. Almost all of the men said, confidence, sexually self-assured, independent and open-hearted is what they felt primarily made a woman sexy. Being physically attractive and chemistry was also mentioned but not as the primary things they looked for.
Below are a few questions you can ask yourself as well as a few things you can do that may help you to redefine your erotic sense of self.
10 Tips to Redefining Your Erotic Sense of Self
1) What makes you feel sexy and attractive?
2) What are the qualities that you consider to make a woman sexy?
3) How do you define what being sexy is for yourself?
4) What types of things make you feel juicy and alive?
5) What types of clothing express your sexuality? What types of clothing make you sensual or beautiful?
6) What is beautiful to you and what makes you feel beautiful?
7) What types of things make you feel sensual. Then do them. Be willing to try new things out and be playful.
8) As an exercise, take time to look at other women when you are out and about. Notice what you like about the way they dress, or the energy they are emitting.What about them is attractive, appealing or beautiful? Don't compare yourself just notice what you like and see if you would like to try on those qualities.
9) Feeling sexy comes from the inside first. When you feel confident about yourself and your sexual expression, your sexual allure will shine through.
10). Be willing to open your heart and let the love that you are radiate out to everyone. Nothing is more sexy than the smile of a radiant woman.
Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, you must train yourself to see beauty in yourself and to begin to really question what the media or the collective consensus is telling you.
In my workshop Unveiling the Sacred Erotic Feminine, women are given an opportunity to come into the workshop dressed as the way they feel about their erotic selves. One woman dresses in black veils, another wears long flowing robes, one is flamboyant and one comes as a nun. What these women showed us in this exercise was how they felt about their sexual and erotic nature. You too can do something similar by playing with your clothes and trying on different costumes that portray how you feel about your sexual self. Doing this exercise will help you discover how you really feel about your sexuality and from there you can begin to explore your authentic sexual expression.
In order for women to break free of the old paradigm we must make our own choices without the influence of the media and the dictates of a male dominated world.
We live in the age of where creating our reality begins and ends with us. So it is important for you to question everything, to ask yourself how you feel about what is being told to you from the powers that be and to accept nothing unless you feel it is a true expression of who you are.
All women have the opportunity to shift from the old way we have been programmed to a new way of being for ourselves. The time has come for you and me to find out what it means for us to be in our Authentic Sexual Power and then to choose for ourselves how to express that.