Earlier this week, it was reported that Jeff Ireland, Miami Dolphins general manager, asked a potential draft pick if his mother was a hooker while interviewing candidates. Dez Bryant, the player who asked if he is the son of a prostitute, was obviously angered by the question, and Ireland faces probable consequences from the Dolphins.
To celebrate the ridiculousness of Ireland's question, here are 10 other inappropriate job interview questions you can use at your own workplace:
1. What's the hardest you've ever been slapped, and where did the slap land?
The interviewer should be looking for slaps to the buttocks. Getting slapped anywhere else brings up suspicion of misbehavior. Buttocks slaps are often celebratory in nature and are a safe way to answer this question.
2. What is your favorite medium for pornography and why?
The correct answer is print magazine. It's professional and classy compared to the alternatives. Though no one actually subscribes to print pornography in this day and age, you can still get away with this answer. Telling the interviewer that you do not look at pornography shows you are a liar, or something even worse.
3. Would you consider yourself (or do you think you will be) a horrible mother/father?
Don't be so quick to tell them you're a (or will be a) great parent. Most companies are looking for horrible parents who would rather be at work than raising their children.
4. In the Hall & Oates' song "She's Gone", do you think she left him because he (Hall or Oates) was bad in the sack?
Be careful here. You don't want to accuse Darryl Hall and/or John Oates of under performing. Making such blasphemous accusations might just get you labeled as someone who shifts blame or a whistle blower.
5. You feel a case of Brainerd's coming on, but you have to fart. What do you do?
The interviewer is looking to see if you avoid risk. Having a no fear attitude when it comes to soiling your trousers could be a positive attribute for many jobs.
6. On a 1-10 scale, how hot is your spouse and/or girl/boy friend?
Rating your spouse below a 6 or above an 8 makes you look like an a**hole. If your spouse truly is hideous, don't go lower than 7.
7. Do you trust people who don't trim their pubic hair?
The best way to answer this question is to come prepared with an argument. There is no right or wrong answer here, you just need to offer legitimate reasons for your opinion.
8. Do you ever wonder if your father regrets impregnating your mother?
This question is merely presented to see if you can keep your composure.
9. Hand lotion...friend or foe?
Friend seems suspicious, but nobody likes chapped hands. You make the call.
10. If you were forced to have sex by someone interviewing you, what position would you choose?
Remember not to get agitated. You need this job, just answer the question and do whatever they ask.
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Life in The Cubicle by Dudley B. Dawson
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Comments
My response to the question of whether my mother was a prostitute would be "why would her best customer ask a question like that?"
Great column. Thanks for the laughs - - and - - I couldn't agree more with kg's comment!
very funny
It crazy but lovely also inviting
Excellent list. I'll keep it on hand for future interviews along with some hand lotion.
LOVE IT. "You need this job.... do whatever they ask"
I don't believe I would work for a company who asked such inappropriate questions. If they behaved this way during an interview, imagine the working environment. No thanks.
Regarding question #10 - I have never been that desperate for a job.
I wouldn't work for a company that allows its interviewers to ask those questions. Not only is it inappropriate, but the company is probably engaged in several VERY illegal activities, does not follow US labor laws, and is VERY likely to not give what you're there for: timely paycheck (within 30 days as allowed by law) that clears (you'd be surprised).
Goes in the category of what WAS he thinking!? So inappropriate. Thanks for the giggles with the list. You've managed to be even more inappropriate than the jerk who asked the question in the first place.
Firstly, the answer to #3 is, obviously, we all suck. MUCH kudos to Dudley for introducing the lighter side of a painful reality: corporate employment. ~Am
I clicked here thinking this was going to be a serious article. I was wrong. This is the kind of stuff that will give other examiners a bad name. Please don't follow this example.
I think the article is very funny. In these times job hunting can be very hard so to have read this and got a giggle out of it was fun. We should all lighten up a little.
KG: That one is priceless and something I WOULD HAVE USED!!!!!!!!
REALLY, HOW ABOUT THE REAL WORLD JOB SEEKER.
Really to be truthful even if you did answer these questions ans say what they wanted to hear what happens to you and your integrity? Ask yourself is it really worth compromising your moral charecter for a company that would ask stupid questions like this.Myself I'd rather not sell out who I am as a person and eat at the salvation army .Atleast I could digest my food well inspite of my circumstances. It's questions and attack on a persons integrity like this that breaks down the very moral fiber of what this country is suppose to stand for.
When they ask you what you've been doing, just say "Nothing". When they ask what you did in your previous jobs just say "Nothing".
Thanks duds for once again injecting some humor. To those of you whining.......if you don't like it, don't read it. :)
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