10 activities to do with teens to build trust

Building trust doesn't always have to involve being serious.  Doing activities just for the simple sake of having fun with your teen is both the reward and an investment in your relationship.

1.  Take to the hills and go hiking together.

“My teenagers talked with me in greater depth about a wider range of topics while we were on long walks together than at any other time. We talked about things they would never have brought up sitting in front of a TV or around a table for that matter or in a car. If you have a chance, walk with your teens. There is something about the repetitive motor activity that allows the language center to free-associate.”

2.  Family dinners – Eating dinner together as a family several times a week creates a sense of togetherness and shared ritual. And talk during dinner. One favorite: go around the table and have each family member share what they liked best about their day and what was challenging for them that day.

“In my house family dinners are not optional – unless my kids are sick. We all sit down to eat together. And we talk during dinner”.

3.  Be there for their sports – one local has traveled to a minimum of 4 fencing tournaments each year with his teen through high school.

“Initially, I offered the typical supportive comments, such as good luck, thought you fenced well (when he lost). It was quickly apparent my son resented those comments.  So...I adjusted. I asked what he needed. When he approached a new opponent, I asked what he thought of the next guy. When he lost, I was more patient and let him have space to get over it, and then asked at a later time what he thought worked well, what did not and how he felt about the bout. So, the focus has been on him - his experiences and expectations”.

4.  Go shopping together – for both of you. And let your teen help you pick out clothes.  This lets your teen know you value her opinions and you are likely to be pleasantly surprised.

“My daughter dresses in clothes I think are horrible – like her friends – but she picked out clothes for me that were much more fun that what I usually wear, but I was amazed that they were age appropriate. I had no idea she had such good taste. And she was so pleased that I liked her suggestions.”

5.  Travel with your teen - In particular visiting different cultures provides opportunity to talk philosophically about shared values and the world you live in.

“We took our teenager to Thailand with us and spent two weeks in a small village on the coast. Our boys made friends with some local boys and we had great conversations about the differences between the options our boys have in our lives and also how much we have that we don’t need”.

6.  Cook together or do other “chores” at the same time - often parents give their teen a list of chores to do each week, but cleaning the house together can create a sense of shared accomplishment.

“Since he was small, I’ve been cooking breakfast with my son every morning. His future wife is going to be thrilled with what my baby can do in the kitchen. Our early mornings in the kitchen are our time together, and while we don’t have a lot of deep conversation, we have a point of connection to return to throughout the day”.

7.  Have a weekly game night – playing old fashioned board games such Risk or Monopoly. Take turns choosing the game and invite friends.

“We make a big deal out of it. We invite our friends and the kids invite theirs. It’s not especially intimate, but it builds relationships across generations. There’s a lot of laughter”.

8.  Share your skills - Do a major project together such as planting a vegetable garden or refurbishing an old car or redoing your teen’s bedroom. Find a project interests your teen. The goal is to share your knowledge and resources, but also to empower your teen to learn skills of their or her own. Elicit your teen’s opinions throughout the process and encourage your teen to research and learn from other sources.

“When my daughter was a sophomore in high school we refurbished a 19th century dollhouse we found at a tag sale. It was our Sunday evening activity for the whole winter and we spent many hours painting it, building furniture and decorating it. It was a difficult year for her socially, and the project provided an outlet for her creativity.”

9.  Engage your teen in the activities that are important to you. If you volunteer, take your teen with you. Bring your teen to work with you. Let her learn what you do with your time and what is important to you.

“As immigrants we stay tied to our traditional community through our activism for democracy in our home country. Bringing my kids to these events and involving them in it has kept our relationships close, but also has helped them realize they also belong to a culture that doesn’t rely on video games for entertainment.”

10.  Go out on a date – Make a practice of taking your teen out to dinner at a restaurant of his or her choice without the rest of your family. Or if a girl, get monthly pedicures together. The idea is to create a shared ritual that is a grown up activity. If it’s something you both enjoy, the ritual is likely to continue when your teen enters adulthood.