The Semifinals, Round 1: a recap and tonight's forecast

Just when you thought it was safe to make an early forecast, the producers pull another fast one on you.

Only four acts will be advancing into the next round, and that round will be the finale. Like magic, an entire round of finals has disappeared from the competition.

What is the excuse? Have the producers recognized that the viewers consider the two 5th-6th finishers to be dead in the water and felt they needed to eliminate half of the eight other finalists to keep things interesting? If that is the case, why are they still going to let the judges have the final say between the 4th and 5th place finishers in tonight's results?

Are they trying to bring the season to a close a week early so they can give the ten o’clock spot to the upcoming Jay Leno Show? If so, couldn’t they have just cut the eight o’clock recap show that nobody ever watches anyway? America’s Got Talent is the #1 show on NBC, the crown jewel of what is otherwise a 4th ranked network. Why would they sacrifice quality and end the season a week in advance when it's the best thing they have?

Have the judges done such an absolutely craptacular job this season that the producers are fed up even with having to provide room and board to them and are bringing the season to an early close so they can kick them to the curb a week early?

That’s what I’m hoping, but I doubt it.

The contestants themselves were not up to standard either. With the exception of only one act, this round of semifinals looked more like a first round quarterfinal. Here were the ten:

1) Acrodunk (no Xs)

This was the act that improved. The one and only act who improved.

The group still have a long way to go, and they still have not addressed some of their more crucial issues. They claim to be more than just a halftime show, but they still perform as if they were at a halftime show. Specifically, the trick dunkers still performed at the same time at different locations on the stage, once again giving the AGT camera crew a workout. They also performed fewer dunks, and at one point, two performers even took a break to show off some cheesy dance moves.

The improvements, however, were center stage. Specifically, one performer leaped through a hoop and dunked into a flaming basket. A second performer then jumped through a now flaming hoop to make the final basket. Once again, Acrodunk never missed a single basket.

All this in spite of multiple injuries sustained during practice.

I don’t care what the judges said. This was the best act of the night – this is the act to beat.

2) The Texas Tenors (no Xs)

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any cheesier. . .

The only thing the Tenors can be commended for is finally choosing a song that doesn’t ham it up to pigheaded patriotism. They began with Marcus, their baby-faced middle man (the one Sharon Osbourne, a married woman, always seems to be drooling over) singing solo. But then the others chimed in, and their problems were identical to their open call audition.

They still harmonize as if they were fighting amongst each other over who gets to be the lead singer. They have powerful voices, but they apparently think belting it out at the top of their lungs makes for the best vocalizations.

The judges, however, were desperately trying to pretend that this round of semifinals was just as tough and competitive as the second indefinitely will be. Even Piers Morgan said he expected to see the Tenors at the finale.

3) Paradizo Dance (no Xs)

It was revealed during the introductory video that Dave had burned his hand during rehearsal, which obviously made his lifts that much more difficult. It did show somewhat that Dave was struggling during their performance, but they found a creative way to compensate for it, and to increase their range: they performed under a different theme entirely. They tried to be funny.

The performance did appear scattered at times, and more than once Zoey appeared to be hung up and having trouble with props. If they did mess up at all, they did a good job recovering and convincing the audience otherwise. With many more unique lifts and movements to their performance, Paradizo Dance’s performance was unlike anything they had ever shown before, but was still just as exciting and just as entertaining as America has come to expect them to be.

The judges, however, were not quite as convinced. Sharon Osbourne and David Hasselhoff both held Paradizo at fault for changing the tone of their act, and Piers Morgan faulted them for not including enough moments in which Zoey lifted Dave as they had done in both of their prior performances.

The problem with the judges’ criticism is that America already knows Paradizo Dance can be graceful and already knows that a 90 lb. woman can lift a 240 lb. man. What Paradizo Dance did was a breath of fresh air.

This is reminiscent of how the judges XXXed out Manuela Horn because she didn’t perform for a second time as the yodeling dominatrix. When did the judges, who are supposed to be asking at this point if acts are capable of performing for an hour, suddenly start getting offended by performers trying to branch out a little?

4) Drew Thomas Magic (X from Morgan)

Drew Thomas was the first to break the tradition of magicians being utter disappointments on America’s Got Talent. Last night, however, the tradition continued.

Thomas either did not get to see Jay Mattioli’s performance in the third round of quarter finals, or he did not learn anything from it. Thomas’s performance was ultimately three versions of the shadow box, from witch emerged – you guessed it – his three assistants.

The theme of the act was Thomas’s love of his daughter, which featured a center stage shadowbox made to look like a tree house. But the other three boxes from which his assistants emerged were beyond cheap. Thomas actually recycled the tool chest he had used during his performance during the quarter finals, from which his third assistant emerged right out from the top.

That’s right. Thomas not only delivered a dud of a performance in the semifinals, he also managed to completely blow the secret behind his performance in the quarter finals at the exact same time. Way to go Thomas.

5) Tony Hoard & Rory (no Xs)

If it wasn’t evident before that Tony Hoard was a moron, he made it pretty clear last night. And if you still don’t believe Tony Hoard is a moron after last night, you must be quite the imbecile yourself.

I am referring to Hoard’s decision to forfeit his job of twenty-four years so he could play frisbee with his dog on AGT. We all knew he was an idiot to think his dog’s ability to catch a frisbee would win him a million dollars, but we could never have known he would be dumb enough to sacrifice his job for it.

Hoard’s strategy to ensure that Rory didn’t miss any frisbees this time? Simple: Throw fewer of them.

With the exception of the theme of the act and a few extra props, the act was virtually identical to all of his prior performances, with the aforementioned exception that Hoard was throwing fewer frisbees at shorter distances. It didn’t keep the act from looking like a train wreck, as Hoard’s lack of activity occasionally gave Rory a window of opportunity to just snatch a frisbee off the ground, which Hoard then had to wrestle away from him. Rory is an untrained dog that Hoard can only try to dupe into performing something that at least vaguely resembles an act.

Osbourne of course cried fowl on Hoard’s former employer, but if anyone came up to me and asked for additional time off so they could win a million dollars by playing catch with their dog, I would have done the same. I shudder at the thought of what other brilliant ideas a man like Hoard might have in the future.

Charles DeWayne Dorsey must be fuming over this.

6) The Voices Of Glory (no Xs)

The problem with this group is simple: Nadia is the star, but Michael is the boss. And as the boss, Michael does not seem to be able to accept the fact that the spotlight cannot be divisible equally between the three of them.

The performance actually began with the two brothers singing soloists with Nadia entering later. Her singing is still at the winning level, but the brothers are still shaky with their harmonies, and at many times appeared to be trying deliberately to sing over her.

Morgan did hint to Michael that the brothers needed to step back and let Nadia perform front and center at the finale. The brothers, however, did not look entirely convinced.

As if being the default spoiler beneficiary wasn’t enough for the Voices, when Nick Cannon asked what they would do with the money if they won, Michael immediately claimed some of it would go to the church. Apparently they want to capitalize on the Xtian slant as well.

Suddenly the Voices of Glory don’t seem so glorious anymore.

7) The Fab Five (no Xs)

When the Fab Five performed in the quarter finals, they were commended for doing what few clogging acts ever do on AGT: using their clogging to provide the drum beat so that the power of every step could be felt to the fullest.

When they came out to perform last night, however, they were waving around batons and banging trash can lids together. If they were thinking about the beat, they clearly misunderstood: the drum beat is supposed to be a byproduct of their dancing. They weren’t supposed to literally come out as a percussion act.

It may have seemed like a creative addition, but because they frequently stopped to make use of their props, it actually wound up taking away from their performance. The stellar cloggers from the second round of quarter finals don’t look much like cloggers anymore.

8) Grandma Lee (no Xs)

The performance began with her yelling “Cut the crap!” Again.

She told a joke about how she had sex with David Hasselhoff and Piers Morgan. . . Again.

She made use of the United Kingdom flag underpants. . . Again!

The judges tried their hardest to sugarcoat Grandma Lee’s performance, but it can’t be done. The entire performance was a rehash.

The only thing different Grandma Lee did for her performance was take a potshot at Kevin Skinner. I am definitely not a fan of Kevin Skinner, but even I found that to be in bad taste.

Really, what is Lee going to do if she makes it into the finale? Put Morgan’s underpants in her mouth? If she performs at the finale, the only person laughing will be Kazaam Shaquille O’Neal when the ratings for his reality show finally go up.

9) Arcadian Broad (no Xs)

Arcadian performed in a (*groan*) High School Musical themed performance, during which he added a few ballet lifts with the help of a backup dancer, but otherwise failed to justify his place in the semifinals. The defining aspect of his performance was ultimately the continued use of ballerina spins.

Morgan commented that he didn’t necessarily believe Broad was up to par, and Broad responded with a comment that millions of AGT’s critics are bound to love: He claimed that he did not want to do High School Musical and that the producers had forced him into it.

This would have been a convincing argument had Broad not looked thrilled to be there during the performance. If the producers had really forced him into that performance, if he really believed it would deny him any chance of staging a recovery, and if he really wanted to leave a nasty stain on AGT’s credibility on his way out, he should have made his opinion known to America before he took the stage.

Between Drew Thomas, Grandma Lee and Arcadian Broad, Thia Megia’s TV probably did not survive the night.

10) Kevin Skinner (no Xs)

In Kevin Skinner’s Top 20 review article, it was said that America would not look fondly upon Skinner if he could not have the confidence to perform anything other than a Garth Brooks song.

Last night, he sang “Always on my Mind” by Willie Nelson.

Not quite the step outside of his comfort zone we had been looking for.

While I can accept that millions of people love Kevin Skinner, I still am not sensing any of this fabulous emotion everyone keeps raving about. Skinner’s performance was shaky and bland – it was easily the worst he has given so far.

But the judges love him. They have already crowned him an early winner, and they used every second of time they had to remind America that Kevin Skinner is the act they are supposed to be voting for.

I’m not entirely convinced that America will anymore. Having been a judge on Britain’s Got Talent during the Susan Boyle saga, Morgan should know perfectly well that he cannot force people to vote how he wants them to.

This is especially true since the judges also offered boatloads of misdirected praise to the Texas Tenors, the act that could prove the most damaging to Skinner’s spoiler base. One way or another, millions of viewers are going to be disappointed tonight.

As if tonight wasn’t going to be a crappy enough experience, David Hasselhoff, the great mighty poo himself, will be performing during tonight’s elimination. Fitting, isn’t it?

Here is tonight's forecast:

Passed:

• Acrodunk
• Paradizo Dance
• The Voices Of Glory

Rejected:

• The Texas Tenors
• Drew Thomas Magic
• Tony Hoard & Rory
• The Fab Five
• Arcadian Broad

Judges Choice:

• Grandma Lee
• Kevin Skinner