Why do they do that? Cannibalism

I was driving down the road last night when I saw a bunch of cyclists clustered around a body lying beside the road. It was horrifying! They were tearing chunks of flesh from this poor fellow and eating them! Was it some kind of sacrificial ritual?

What you witnessed was the little-known bicycle racing event called "Devil Take the Hindmost." Some racers indulge in it as a means of culling the herd. They pick a finish line. Town limit signs are popular ones. The object is to avoid being the last one across that line. This means the pace increases well before the finish as stronger riders try to burn the slower, weaker ones out of the pack. Anyone who is last across at three consecutive sprint finishes may be killed and eaten. So the object is to avoid being last at all costs.

By tradition, racers have eaten their wounded. Some believe the ritual became more widespread in modern times due to the popularity of Eddy "The Cannibal" Merckx. Anthropologists specializing in primitive cultures dispute this, insisting that the practice predates modern bicycle racing and may extend as far back as early penny-farthing races in late 19th century America.

Dr. Walter Crankset from the University of Northeastern Oklahoma extension campus at Broken Elbow, observed that most cyclists subsist on a miserly diet of granola bars, Gatorade and inhaled insects. "They may suffer from the lack of protein," said Crankset, "and the scent of fresh human blood may be almost irresistible."

He offered some tips for ordinary citizens who may not have much experience with cyclists. "Never show fear," he cautioned. "They can smell it. And just like any other predator, they'll focus on the slowest and the weakest. Act with confidence and do not make eye contact. That's regarded as a challenge and often provokes them. And never, never, never honk your horn at a group of skinny bicyclists! The skinny ones are always hungry. They'll fall on you like a pack of ravenous wolves! The fat ones who've recently fed are only slightly less prone to aggressive behavior. Avoid all of them if you can, and never try to take one home as a pet!"

The next time you meet a group of cyclists on the road, you'll know what to expect. Keep Dr. Crankset's advice in mind and you won't have to worry about being the main course at a roadside feast.

Next time: Bicycling, barbecue, and beer.

(None of the above is true, of course.  It's just a bit of satire.  There's very little cannibalism in bicycle racing.  Almost none.  Honest.)