Tick tock...is there any end to the waiting?
Oh is there anything harder than waiting, in any aspect of life? Prospective adoptive parents seem to spend more time waiting than anything else. Waiting on the agencies to return an initial phone call, waiting on the home study, waiting for information such as references to be sent to the agency to complete the home study, waiting to be matched (a biggie!), waiting for the birth, waiting to take baby home, waiting for finalization. That’s an awful lot of waiting! What can prospective adoptive parents do for support during these times?
One of the hardest parts is waiting to be matched. It’s been called the “waiting for the stick to turn blue” of the adoption process, and that’s not too far off! It can be agonizing, anxiety-producing; it can create doubt and uncertainty (“We’ll never be matched!”). The matching process in some agencies (such as Caring Adoptions in Houston) is initiated when an expectant mother is ready to choose parents for her child. Profiles are shown and she (and perhaps her partner) may want to meet you before a decision is made. Waiting and waiting, prospective adoptive parents field many questions from well-wishers....”Any news on the adoption yet?” “Have you heard anything yet?” “When will you get to the top of the list?” The truth is there isn’t a list…you’re chosen when you’re chosen.
What is a waiting prospective adoptive parent to do?
1. Find a support group. There may be a group already formed within your chosen agency, or local adoption support groups, such as the following in and around Dallas:
Dallas Metroplex Foster Parent Association
9368 Hunters Creek
Dallas, TX 75243
Phone: (214) 345-7196Dallas Minority Adoption Council
1612 Shady Glen
Dallas, TX 75376-4058
Phone: 214-371-5280/214-820-2402Foster and Adoptive Parents of Collin County
PO Box 1544
Allen, TX 75013
Phone: 972-359-1959/972-359-19592. Take advantage of the support offered by your agency itself. They will probably have a social worker who works solely with the prospective adoptive parents.
3. Take classes and read books. Information is power, power over those butterflies that arise during what seems like the most inconvenient times.
4. Lean on each other, if you are in a marriage or partnership. Prop each other up and be ready with a little extra strength for your spouse or partner’s moments of weakness and fear.
5. Seek positive influences. Don’t talk to the people who make you crazy, who constantly inject negativity into the process. Talk to people who make you feel good! Listen to uplifting music! Pray, if that is one of your comforts.
Remember, if you are to the point of waiting to be matched, you’ve already done all you can do, for now. Now, you wait.
Comments
i know what you mean...your "kid" will be "waiting" for the day they can go find their real mother, just like I did at 20.
I'm glad you found your birth mother. I must disagree with your premise that my adopted child will not be my "real" child. Adopting a child doesn't make me somehow "less than" because I can't have a biological child. And my child will not be "less than" because he or she is adopted. I will have a "real" son or daughter. Because of open adoptions, it is very likely we will have contact with his or her birth mother throughout his/her life. Or, if the birth mother chooses otherwise, we might not. But our child will always know he/she had a first mother, who is "real", and me. I'm also "real".
Wow, that's pretty sad, Blue-eyed gal; you seem really bitter to have been adopted.
Waiting for a child to adopt, can take as long or longer than pregnancy, and just as with pregnancy, the excitement, anxiety, fears of the unknown, and growing love for the child you will have is just as real. The adoptive parents are just as excited and proud of their child as any other parent is. The adoptive parent loves thier child just as much as a biological parent would. The biggest difference is, an adoptive parent has chosen, prayed for, and gone through exhaustive invasive questioning of their character JUST for the priveledge of giving their love to a child.
I hope blue eyed girl, that you think about that fact when you get bitter about your adoptive parents WANTING to have you as a part of their life for the rest of their life.
I can see that as I find my voice here in the Examiner, I'm going to see points of view that I never thought of before. The last thing I want to do is offend anyone, but I have to realize that adoption is really charged with emotion. Right now, I personally am in the waitig game...waiting longingly for a child to love. I'm glad that I have differing points of view represented because it will help me grow as a person and as a writer. Thank you all for your points. They will help me shape future articles.
Well Boohoo. Why is it always about the Adoptive parents and how everything is so poor me, from Cant have a baby, boohoo I'll take second best and grab someone elses. Boohoo Why doesnt that woman just give the kid to us already Boohoo, Tick Tock its taking so long BOOOHOO
Try being adopted and searching for your first mother , father, sibling , extended family and it taking letter upon letter upon letter upon phone call, upon phone call, upon waiting , waiting , waiting....Try being American and WAITING For The laws to finally change and allow you to have your original, undoctered birth certificate (I'm Australia btw and have mine) But try putting yourself in anothers shoes of not knowing who they really are, where they really come from...
THEN COME Back to me and tell me how hard adoptive parents have it. Im so sick to death about hearing how hard done by Adoptive parents are. AND NO That doesnt mean Im bitter, or ungrateful or any other nasty thing thta is thought of me !
Try enlightening yourself adoptedjane.blogspot.com/
Actually, Therese, you should really read some literature before adopting. I'm not trying to be rude or mean, it's great that you have a lot of love and want to share it. But you will be doing your "future real child" as you say, if you do not educate yourself. The position you have taken by saying your adopted child will be your "real child" is very damaging and insulting to adoptees and first parents alike. It's actually insulting to you, as well. Your relationship to your adopted child is, by nature, different than their relationship with their biological mother is/has been/will ever be, and actively choosing not to acknowledge that by saying they are your "real child" is hurtful and creates feelings of shame and confusion in the child.
You also need to understand that "open adoptions" are not always as advertised. It's not that simple. And if you don't educate yourself, you WILL become the problem. The statements you made above are quite (stereo)typical. READ - for the chil
But you will be doing your "future real child" as you say, *a dis-service, I meant to say.
and for the child*
"waiting for the stick to turn blue” of the adoption process- that's about as ridiculous as the term "Paper Pregnant". You people need to get a clue, and fast. Your gain is a HUGE loss for the child and their first families. ENOUGH with your wanna be pregnant talk and your bellyaching about waiting. No, you are NOT less than our first Mothers, but you did NOT have us. You will NEVER be bonded to us like we were bonded with our first Mothers. its impossible. Stop your pretending. Adoptees love their adoptive parents, we love our first parents, but it's NOT the same. We lost a lot for you to get us. Learn that, live that. Your child will thank you for that.
Blue eyed gal isn't alone - too many people adopt without really thinking it through and it affects the freaking KID. It's NOT ABOUT YOU!!! I'm sorry you can't have kids, that's really sad - but maybe THAT's God's plan for you, ever think of that?
Don't sit around whining how hard your life is because other people won't sell you their kids! YES, that's what you're asking for: doesn't sound so rosy when you put it that way, does it? But that's the cold hard truth. You're upset because someone won't give up their right to parent their child so you can. Sorry but that is just ignorant.
For the record - this is directed towards those who are trying (buying) to adopt babies - which is the vast majority of (uneducated) people. There are plenty of OLDER CHILDREN, already adopted&reutrned/abused/abandoned in need of loving homes - it's not all about babies. If you TRULY want to open your home to a child (and not just pretend a baby is yours), consider an overlooked older child or teen
Ditto Adoptedone - i love my adopted parents AND my real mom, very much but the relationships are NOT the same, and I sure wish my adopted parents had done their research and worked out their OWN insecurities and issues about being barren (and in and of itself being adoptive parents) before they brought a child (me) into it. Our relationship would have been way better off for it and we would be closer today.
POTENTIAL ADOPTIVE PARENTS WOULD DO WELL TO LISTEN. It's about the KID. So do your research, go to therapy and do right by this kid you want so bad. Call it what it is and respect the differences.
If you don't it's like a white teacher with a classroom full of white kids and one black kid saying to the black kid, "You're white. Forget whatever anyone has said before this. You're white. I say so, so that's all that matters." ...And then getting upset when the kid goes "WT*? I can clearly see I'm black.."
Would you EVER do that? Didn't think so. Think about it.
I would also like to pose one last question and then I'll go away...
Why are adoption agencies and potential adoptive parents so quick to want to take the child away from it's biological mother to be raised by complete strangers instead of giving the real mother the assistance (counseling, therapy, money, food assistance, job placement, cheaper daycare etc) to raise the child herself?
The billion dollar adoption industry could easily afford to do more for mothers who feel trapped into adoption by their circumstances... but it's more profitable to traffic babies. You can call me bitter - but go look it up, do your research and you will find it's not all smiles and butterflies - it's money, coercion and pain for all involved. To say we are all "bitter" and "ungrateful" is ignorant - do you know what you are talking about? We do.
Of course it is about the child. And I've only just started writing here, so each of these issues will have its turn. I never said "wah, feel sorry for me". I have only pointed out that the child will have two real mothers. When researching, I found a law firm who actively recruits expectant mothers and rejected them. I found far more agencies who made it clear to us that they do not place many babies at all because it's a ministry for them. Many of their mothers parent their babies. As far as searching for birth mothers, open adoption is very common here. That can mean anything from exchanging letters once a year to having visits several times a year. I never said you were bitter or ignorant. What I have seen from agencies (www.livalt.org, www.aggielandpregnancy.com) is very far from snatching babies away from their mothers. It's encouraging parenting. This article wasn't about me; future articles will delve into the issues you've presented and I'd love your input. Email me.
This is really sad, there is no gratitude toward any adoptive parents.
Your birth parents voluntarily gave up their parental rights, and if the state removed you and terminated their rights it is because your birth parents could not take care of you. Maybe you need therapy for that issue.
I am an adoptive foster parent, do not dare tell me that I am not a real mother, I fought for almost 4 years to adopt my daughter,I brought her home from the hospital when she was released after spending her first month in detox.
Do not misunderstand me, I believed I would have her in my home for only a few months, that her birth mother would do everything to clean herself up. I was wrong.
She had the opportunity, the state was willing to rehab her and educate her, she stuck to the drugs.
Oh this "mother" lost 8 other children in other states.
Do you people realize how childish and ungrateful you sound?!?! You should be happy there are people willing to adopt and love you like their own! I cannot believe the responses!
My half brother was given up for adoption before my mom and dad met. About 8 years ago he contacted my mom and they reunited. Know what? I love my half brother just as much as I love my full-blooded brother and I see no difference just because I've known one much longer than the other.
I also have a cousin that was adopted (yes, he's still my cousin even though the "blood" relation isn't there). Does he love his mother like his own? YES!!!!!!!!
I'm not saying being the adoptee isn't hard, but why put the blame and pressure on the adoptive mom? If it weren't for that person willing to give you love, where would you really be?
Holy cow people!! This woman is not some sort of monster lurking in back alleys and dives waiting to steal some poor unsuspecting mother's child!! She is working with an agency where the pregnant woman comes in and says I would like to put this child up for adoption... I am sure there are poor adoptive parents as well as poor birth parents but all this article says is that it is difficult to wait. She wants a child to love, a child to raise, a child who will call her mom. A child she can look at down the road, rough road or smooth, and say I helped that person become an adult. She isn't a black marketer who is waiting to sell some poor child into slavery or force to work in the fields. She sounds like an excited, educated woman that is taking the first steps so that she too can be a mom. I am sorry that some of you had a bad experience, but who's to say whether Therese is going to make the same mistakes YOUR adoptive parents may have made?
I am so thankful there are wonderful people in the world like Therese and her husband who are willing to give a child a home. She is doing the work of Christ by her desire to love a child whose biological parents chose to relinquish their rights. There are those in the world who should not or cannot raise a child, and thankfully there are angels who will step in and do a great job.
and there it is...the "grateful" word. Adoptees will NEVER be grateful for losing their entire families, no matter what the reasons for relinquishment. People who answer from the viewpoint of "my cousin was adopted" or from an ap point of view are pathetic.Karen, you do not know my story. You do not know the circumstances of my relinquishment, nor do you know the way I was raised by my ap's. The fact that you chose to "blame" the way adoptees are raised for being antiadoption shows your ignorance. Adoptees can love their ap's but HATE the adoption industry and all it stands for. As far as thinking adoption is "Christ's work" Not my Christ. My Christ would help the mother, and not separate mother and child. I feel so sorry for your adoptlings. The only thins I am grateful for is that my ap's were not idiots and understood that adoption sucked for me, and NEVER made it about them.
Adopted One said: "People who answer from the viewpoint of "my cousin was adopted" or from an ap point of view are pathetic."
Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...
"people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"
They should if they are adopted and trying to get the message to people who have no clue as to how adoption affects the adoptee. It needs to be a giant rock, because people will not listen to adoptees. Adoptees wont sit on the back of the bus anymore. We need to be heard, and adoptive parents, pap's and the industry need to listen.
OMG again with the "you should be so grateful" equates to you should get down on your hands and knees and kiss all adoptive parents feet...
I can NOT Believe how its all about ME ME ME as far as so mamy adoptive parents go.
If you are hurt by what some of us adoptees say, how are you going to cope when your child has similar reactions?
Most adoptees usually take one line or the other , they are usally either submissive (until later in life) and people pleasers to the extent that they make themselves sick OR they are out of control. This can occur as a child, a teenager an adult or all the way through, Temper tantrums, major back lash against parents expecially the mother. My god you are in for a very rude shock if your child turns out to be on that side of the adoptee line. And trust me it doesnt matter how well you raise your adopted child, they will be that way despite in. Adoption is always going to be a minefield until the damage that is done is acknowledged.
My father was adopted. He was adopted because his birth father refused to have anything to do with him. To this day, he tells me that though his AP was not the best man in the world, at least he gave him what his birth dad never did - a father figure!
Therese - Your graciousness towards the bitter, angry, and sad people attacking you in these comments is vastly more than I would have. :)
I have one question for those of you who have such a problem with adoptive parents... What would YOU have done when YOUR "real" parents ditched you had some kind folks NOT related to you by blood devoted their time and energy to raising you? Would you have liked to raise yourself? Grow up in the streets? Sorry, I guess that was 3 questions...
Dearest Mother Mary- Where in any of our posts did it say we "had a problem with our adoptive parents"? Can you not read? Or is it just that you are projecting your own insecurities onto us? I think it's the latter. Adoptees love their adoptive parents. We also love our first parents, NO MATTER WHAT THE REASONS FOR RELINQUISHMENT. If she was a druggie (rare in newborn adoptions) well then, we would have wished she had help. If she was poor, well, money does not guarantee you will be a good parent, just as the lack of money doesnt equal bad parenting."Ditching us in the streets" is a joke. Even if that WOULD have happened, someone would have "come to our rescue".Im glad you bought into the typical adoption story as seen on TV. My first parents both have doctoral degrees. My adoptive parents have high school degrees. And guess what, "Mother" Mary...I love all of them. to be continued..
part2 The point is to let pap's and ap's know how their kids feel but will not dare tell you because of these types of reactions.We will NEVER be "grateful" for losing our entire families just to gain a new one. That does NOT mean we dont love our adoptive families. It means y'all need to educate yourselves about adoption- and not just about how to get a baby. We grow up. We will find our families. People would NEVER tell a "bio" kid they should be grateful. Listen to yourselves. YOU are the ones who wanted a baby. YOU should be grateful. As adoptees, it is our DUTY to let parents know that parenting an adoptee is not even close to parenting a bio child. If you believe it is, your should NOT adopt.Its best you know what you will be dealing with. Lies and deceit do not make for happy families. I have an amazing adoptive family, and they never once told me to "be grateful" or made ignorant assumptions about my relinquishment or my first family.they never had Saviour complexes like you do
Why immediately that an adoptee speaks out they are labled as ungrateful ? or attacking their adoptive parents ? Id like it to be shown where I attacked my adoptive parents? I love my adoptive parents more than aything else in this world. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ? I dont have to justify why I speak about adoption the way I do, I speak from EXPERIENCE. I live as a product of adoption, I am a product of adoption, I was adopted, there is no better person fit to speak about adoption than an ADOPTEE people.
The First Mother lives with regrets in most cases and is sad, the adoptive parents live with their own issues but in general they are the all time winners in adoption They GAINED something whilst the other two , ie the Birth mother and adopted child both LOST something. Why do you not see that ?
I lost not only my First Mother and my entire heritage and genealogy but I also lost a sibling, one that was older. Imagine finding out that one child was kept but you were not...Open your eyes peopl
I am adopted and in the process of "waiting" to be matched with a birth-mother to become a Mother myself. I have wonderful parents who were always open about how grateful for the unique way their family was created. I do not believe I was "ditched" and no child should ever be told that. I cannot imagine ever telling or insinuating to ANY child that they were unwanted - ever. That is just bad parenting. My birth-mother made a choice to put me up for adoption. Many people get pregnant choose to keep their children, but really shouldn't. Things happen and situations occur. There is no need to label it as "good" or "bad" it just is a part of life. Can't people understand most birth-mothers make a huge sacrifice for their child by choosing adoption? Also, the parents who do adopt are very committed parents as are those who become parents through IVF, etc. No one in those circumstances becomes a parent by accident. It comes with heart, determination and much love to give.
I am hoping to adopt a 10 year old boy who never knew his bio dad and his mom was a drug addict. I know I can never replace his mom. She is his mom. Regardless of what his mom did to him with abuse and neglect, I can never be his bio mom. I can however promise to love and protect him. When he is angry with being in foster care and missing his mom, I hope I can listen, hug him and let him voice his anger. I have two bio kids of my own. I choose to do foster care/adopt because I have tried to imagine (though only foster kids know) how horrible it would be to grow up without loving parents and to move from home to home. Adoptive parents feel blessed to adopt and raise kids in a better environment. As adoptive parents we appreciate the voices adopted kids feel. It will help us all be better parents to the kids we adopt.
Our foster son's' "bad Dad" is in prison and has threatened to get even with our foster son who put him there. We are worried about our son's safety as well as ours & so have recommended that he change his first name too. We hate to do this but we do not want him tracking him down. Also his entire family on both sides are on Facebook including his birth mom who severed ties due to drug abuse and has lost custody of all of her children (3 more boys). My fear is one day our new son will get on facebook and will be able to view all his family members, even bad dad who started facebook before he went to prison and his bio mom who is on there. If he makes contact, they will find him and know his new name. We can keep him off of FB at home but we can't monitor every computer he is on. I struggle with wondering why social workers just didn't let one of his relatives take him. This is obviously where he belongs. These relatives have other small children so if they are okay enough to raise their children then why not him? I worry that he will never feel a part of our family because there are all these family members out there who want him. Does he really want a forever family or will he make contact at the first possible chance he gets. If he went to back to these relatives, I fear that his uncle will find him when he gets out in 2017. Help!!
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