Effects of verbal violence on children

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The effects of verbal violence on children are witnessed in the juvenile justice system, psychiatric hospitals, drug and alcohol rehabilitation clinics, domestic violence shelters, school yards, street corners, county morgues and beyond.   Children who are verbally abused often grow up as angry, aggressive and overly critical with anti-social and disassociation traits.  Not all children who are verbally abused will become school bullies and internet trolls. Some children who internalized the words of their abuser may become people-pleaser's, co-dependants and avoiders of criticism.

A child looks to adults for guidance and stability.  If we "as adults" yell, scold, demean, insult, ridicule or otherwise attack a child with words--the child will suffer trauma just as if we had hit them.  Physical bruises heal more quickly than the twisted images a person carries throughout a lifetime.  The verbally abused child will learn to speak down to himself, belittle, suffocate and otherwise decapitate the loving being that was his ultimate calling.  Or the child may do these things to others and see themselves as superior to those they judge to be less than themselves--in order to build up their distorted view of themselves. Often as adults, these children never mature or experience a loving and stable life.

The old adage "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is only true if a person doesn't believe what their verbal aggressor is spewing at them. Most children unfortunately trust what adults tell them.  Adults can do much damage to the child's image by telling them they are no-good, worthless, bratty and trouble-makers. 

A new study on verbal abuse was good timing for the Alec Baldwin case.  Mr. Baldwin is not a bad person.  We have all said things we wish we could take back.  Unless there is remorse for the things we have said to an innocent child, we cannot move beyond to that place of forgiveness and true repentance.  A child needs to hear that they did not deserve to be spoken to like they were a worthless piece of trash.  Even if they have done something displeasing; they still deserve to be given constructive guidance and unconditional love.  Often a victim of child abuse fears criticism which makes them difficult to work with, and live with, as adults.  They may shut down emotionally when they associate their past abuse with the current moment.  People who live and work with the victim may feel like they need to walk on eggshells to avoid hurting their feelings.  To help understand adult victims of child abuse please click here.

The study conducted at McClean Hospital "by the associate professor of psychology and their colleagues" compares the damage to children exposed to verbal abuse with domestic violence, physical and sexual abuse.  The research found that children who are only verbally abused have many of the same problems as victims of physical harm.  Verbally abused children suffered from anger management issues, violent behaviors, depression and other disorders common in physically abused children.

Children are not only at risk of verbal abuse by parents; but also by other family members, friends, teachers, coaches, guidance counselors and peers.  Unfortunately most schools never teach children how to deal with verbal abuse by one of their own staff.  Often an adult in an authority position over the child will protect themselves if the child tells another adult what is happening to them--throwing the child under the proverbial bus.  Further damage such as distrust of authority figures is the common fall-out of these types of scenarios.  Who can blame a child for not trusting adults when they have been exposed to abusive verbal put-downs by those who are supposed to be guiding them and making them feel secure and loved? 

Other studies have shown that children who are abused tend to grow up to be abusers of their own children.  Generations of families passing down an heirloom quilt of filthy rags to their offspring.  The verbal war is a front-line battle that the young child is not prepared for emotionally.   Break the cycle of verbal abuse by treating yourself and others with respect.  Normally when we lash out at someone verbally, we are only projecting "onto them" something we feel deeply about ourselves on the inside.

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