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BALTIMORE (Map, News) - Frequent readers of Single in the city are familiar with Dan and Joan’s occasional references to dating red flags — those wonderful warning signs that tell you to run, don’t walk, from the guy or gal you’re currently dating. Recently, author Michael Shnayerson aired his views on the top 12 dating red flags.
Joan: For our readers who don’t know Shnayerson, he’s a contributing editor to Vanity Fair, and his article “12-step program for avoiding romantic tragedy: the relationship red flags,” appeared in the online magazine Tango under “Tango: Dating Red Flags” at personals.yahoo.com. Shnayerson ought to stick to writing about what he really knows, “The Killers Within: The Deadly Rise of Drug-Resistant Bacteria.”
Dan: I agree with everyone of Shnayerson’s red flags — chronic lateness, ketchup on eggs, rudeness to waiters, one-sided divorce stories, maniacal adoration for weird pets, bad personal hygiene, deep-seated anger, demon children ... well, it’s a ponderous list! You can basically sum it up by saying if the person makes you feel uncomfortable in some very “archetypal” way, that’s the moment to blurt out, “Wow, look at the time, I’m late for my sabbatical in Tibet.”
Joan: I particularly find it difficult to take a writer seriously that says “Nothing good ever comes of ketchup on eggs.” That’s a red flag that he’s finicky about his food and his women. OK, I do agree that a person who is late for a date three times shouldn’t get a fourth chance, but I strongly disagree with his opinion about women’s pets. My dog Shiloh does not get thrown out of my room when my boyfriend visits. Chances are a woman’s pet will be there long after you hear a man’s boots heading for the door.
Dan: I’m sorry, but I disagree about the pets. OK, that’s not true. I’m NOT sorry. It’s time a man took a stand against these women and their “pets first” policy. You expect that in a relationship, YOU are No. 1. The man better put you before his career, friends and hobbies, whatever. Guess what? The lane goes both ways. When I’m in your room, I better be No. 1 and Schnookums better go bye-bye. Otherwise, it tells me that this pet is more important than I am and can be expected to be a four-legged “interruptus,” usually around 3 a.m.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
Comments from Examiner Readers
3:00 PM MST on Wed., Jul. 23, 2008 re: "In the game of love, sports is a major player"
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re: "Survey says, trust yourself, not the research"
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8:25 AM MST on Sat., Jul. 5, 2008
re: "Making the most of every day, relationship"
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3:09 PM MST on Sat., Mar. 8, 2008
re: "Putting a corporate spin on the dating game"
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
From working with ESPN and an 90% crew of men every weekend for over 10 years, I can comment on this one! Every weekend that I show up for work, I am bombarded by comments on my outfits, and this is from men that breath and eat sports! AND THEN they quickly move on back to sports. Unless they are clothes designers, metrosexuals, or extremely in touch with their feminine side- I just don't think it merits much attention or is a top priority for men to spend time on the subject of our outfits. I think they make a mental note of our choices over time and make a mental summary (just like they would with their favorite -or soon to be not so favorite by those choices- quarterback.) Men ARE from Mars, but keep those new dresses coming without expecting a response and they will appreciate you like Venus. Even if its sharing nachos watching the game.
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
Just moved back from SoFla and your articles my Mom sent me I now enjoy right off the driveway!I've been living in the dating nightmare capital of the world for women over,well, 35 is over the hill down there.Add to that I'm 5'11" so I was one of the tallest people down there and am not enhanced with plastic surgery...yet.So,it was time to come home and meet a nice guy only to find everyone tell me its a dating nightmare HERE!(Just one reason for the move btw.)Also, I work with almost all men on the road in the TV /Sports Industry and travel alot.Bitter?Airplane for one please.You'd think it would be easy to find one crispy in a stale bag of chips, but its not! You know the OJ book,'If I Did It?' Well, mine is,"If I Dated It!" The sad part is all the stories I gather from singles(sorry Dan, usually women-the men are busy showing pictures of their wives-NOT) on the road are just as pathetic.So what words of wisdom do you have for this tall,45ish,nomadic newcomer to Balto.?
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Examiner Reader said:
"“Now I’m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It’s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”" Ugh. You really need to education yourself about adoption before you consider it. If you're going in with the idea of 'rescuing' you've got a long way to go. Also, birth mother is a sexist and offensive term. It implies that a woman is only an incubator. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
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Examiner Reader said:
Joan, try a valium.
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Happy Mom said:
My son went on J-Date last year, connected with a young lady living in Hawaii for a year, started talking long distance and he decided to go visit her (he figured if she didn't work out he knew he would love Hawaii). Long story short, he called 6 days later and said he loved both. They are on their honeymoon right now. My daughter met her husband on same site, he was living in Virginia, but distance didn't seem a problemk. They are now married for 3 years. So sometimes these services do work and make the parents happy to see their children happy!
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Examiner Reader said:
re: "For me, it can take months to trust and truly love someone, and during that time I am open to meeting others." -- I think the ambiguity and potential conflict comes from people who say what you say but are also willing to have sex with the person in the mean time. Many people equate sex with exclusivity. If she does and you don't, there's a problem. Either you have to wait to have sex until you're ready to be exclusive, or she has to be willing to have sex without being exclusive. The problem is no one likes to talk about this until after having sex. ;-)
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