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The perilous world of online dating
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BALTIMORE (Map, News) - This week, the intrepid Joan Allen has braved the wilds of online dating and returns from her dangerous expedition to tell the tale.
Joan: I went on my first Match.com date last week and would like to share some red-flag signals. First of all, the man asked very personal questions, such as “Why have you never gotten married? You’re beautiful and intelligent,” and “What red-flag signals have you observed about me?” This was our first date, and I felt like he was interviewing me. I decided I had nothing to lose, so I answered him honestly. I said, “The first red-flag signal is you’ve just had two double martinis, and I would be concerned about your drinking.” His answer? “My sister is an alcoholic, but I’m not. And I’m not going to change.” Needless to say, I never heard from him again.
Dan: Sounds like the date worked out perfectly. For me, a first date IS an interview situation: who are you, what are you about, now stand up and give us a spin. I don’t think his questions, or yours, were out of line, as you both learned what you needed to know — and isn’t it better to do that right off the bat rather than down the road after you’ve been dating this person five or six months?
Joan: When I told my friend Carol about my date, she offered a few of her favorite red-flag signs about Internet dating: men who’ve never been married, men who don’t call when they say they will, men who are very critical, men who say negative things about their former spouses, and best for last — after a third or fourth date with the same man, when you get home from that date and check your e-mails and find that he’s already online chatting with other women.
Now ladies, sing it to the tune of “My Favorite Things.” “When he’s negative, when he’s sneaky, when he won’t call back, just let your account expire from Match, and then it won’t seem so bad.”
Dan: Then I’m a walking red flag, as I’m 44 and never been married ... and neither have YOU! Actually, all of these apply to women as well. And here’s a few more: women who write, express interest and then disappear off the face of the earth. Women who take you for granted. Women who can’t deal with a man’s female friends. Women who say you’re great but then start dropping comments about your clothes, hair, home — ladies, men may be lumpy, but we’re not lumps of clay for you to mold; take us as we are or take yourself elsewhere. Women who see perceived slights in every word or gesture and demand apologies, free dinners and pedicures, but have no problems dropping atom bomb-sized insults about aforementioned clothes, hair, home, and if WE demand apologies, are informed we’re being wimpy.
And I don’t think to never have been married counts as a red flag. This is usually espoused by people who HAVE been married, realized they made a dumb mistake, got divorced and now embrace that “misery loves company” concept, encouraging everyone else around them to do the same dumb thing. I think, my dear Joanie, that you and I are too intelligent to marry just for the sake of being married. We want that person who is best for us on all levels, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, so that if and when we do marry, it is once and for all!
Joan: Amen!
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
Comments from Examiner Readers
3:00 PM MST on Wed., Jul. 23, 2008 re: "In the game of love, sports is a major player"
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
From working with ESPN and an 90% crew of men every weekend for over 10 years, I can comment on this one! Every weekend that I show up for work, I am bombarded by comments on my outfits, and this is from men that breath and eat sports! AND THEN they quickly move on back to sports. Unless they are clothes designers, metrosexuals, or extremely in touch with their feminine side- I just don't think it merits much attention or is a top priority for men to spend time on the subject of our outfits. I think they make a mental note of our choices over time and make a mental summary (just like they would with their favorite -or soon to be not so favorite by those choices- quarterback.) Men ARE from Mars, but keep those new dresses coming without expecting a response and they will appreciate you like Venus. Even if its sharing nachos watching the game.
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
Just moved back from SoFla and your articles my Mom sent me I now enjoy right off the driveway!I've been living in the dating nightmare capital of the world for women over,well, 35 is over the hill down there.Add to that I'm 5'11" so I was one of the tallest people down there and am not enhanced with plastic surgery...yet.So,it was time to come home and meet a nice guy only to find everyone tell me its a dating nightmare HERE!(Just one reason for the move btw.)Also, I work with almost all men on the road in the TV /Sports Industry and travel alot.Bitter?Airplane for one please.You'd think it would be easy to find one crispy in a stale bag of chips, but its not! You know the OJ book,'If I Did It?' Well, mine is,"If I Dated It!" The sad part is all the stories I gather from singles(sorry Dan, usually women-the men are busy showing pictures of their wives-NOT) on the road are just as pathetic.So what words of wisdom do you have for this tall,45ish,nomadic newcomer to Balto.?
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Examiner Reader said:
"“Now I’m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It’s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”" Ugh. You really need to education yourself about adoption before you consider it. If you're going in with the idea of 'rescuing' you've got a long way to go. Also, birth mother is a sexist and offensive term. It implies that a woman is only an incubator. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
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Examiner Reader said:
Joan, try a valium.
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Happy Mom said:
My son went on J-Date last year, connected with a young lady living in Hawaii for a year, started talking long distance and he decided to go visit her (he figured if she didn't work out he knew he would love Hawaii). Long story short, he called 6 days later and said he loved both. They are on their honeymoon right now. My daughter met her husband on same site, he was living in Virginia, but distance didn't seem a problemk. They are now married for 3 years. So sometimes these services do work and make the parents happy to see their children happy!
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Examiner Reader said:
re: "For me, it can take months to trust and truly love someone, and during that time I am open to meeting others." -- I think the ambiguity and potential conflict comes from people who say what you say but are also willing to have sex with the person in the mean time. Many people equate sex with exclusivity. If she does and you don't, there's a problem. Either you have to wait to have sex until you're ready to be exclusive, or she has to be willing to have sex without being exclusive. The problem is no one likes to talk about this until after having sex. ;-)
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