Combating an addiction to love and relationships

BALTIMORE (Map, News) - Chocolate, “American Idol,” the Internet — all things to which we can become addicted. But can we add relationships to this list? This week, relationship rajas Joanie and Dan ponder whether too much of anything, even love, is be a good thing.

Joan: Therapist Judy Burch sees relationship addiction “as one of the biggest problems we’re dealing with today.” So how do we recognize when a relationship is unhealthy?

Burch says, “Love allows people to grow. Addiction is very self-limiting. The person feels consumed by the relationship and can’t define ego boundaries. ... It’s an attempt to change the other person. They need the other person to feel complete. They expect unconditional love and are very demanding because of their own fears of abandonment. They are always testing and playing psychological games to see ‘if you really love me.’ ”

Dan: There seems to be two ideas at work here: (1) being addicted to being in a relationship and (2) addictive feelings. Since most of us don’t have degrees in psychiatry, we aren’t trained with spotting these problems in our potential mates, so for many it comes down to good old-fashioned human instincts and common sense.

Joan: I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that. Relationship addicts actually think they’re in love and deny there are any problems. Burch says, “They attempt to take care of the other person’s feelings. That is different from caring about someone. You take care of my feelings, and I’ll take care of yours.” To break the pattern of relationship addiction, Burch advises that people check their own denial system, then look at their family of origin — at what they didn’t get from their parents when they were growing up that they’re trying to get in this relationship.

Dan: For me the problem is becoming entangled with someone who has this problem. They may have other issues, and trying to extricate yourself from someone in this condition is often very difficult. They feel that your attitude should be the same as theirs, and when it isn’t, they come to resent it, and then resent you. I’m reminded of Helen Hunt’s lament in “As Good As It Gets.” “Why can’t I just have a normal boyfriend?” she shouts, to which her mother replies, “There’s no such thing, dear.”

Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”

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