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Does a relationship’s fate lie in the stars?
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BALTIMORE (Map, News) - Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar laments that the fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves. However, are the two connected? Do the stars shape us, and in so doing affect our relationships? This week, Dan (a Scorpio) and Joan (a Cancer) contemplate the Zodiac and whether love’s secrets can be found in our horoscopes. Or is it all just a lot of hooey?
DAN: For me, horoscopes and related prognostication devices like Tarot cards make for a fun diversion, but they are not something I use to guide me in my daily life, dating or otherwise. I will say, however, that I do believe that Scorpios are dependable, reliable and are passionate. And since these traits do apply to me, maybe there’s something to this after all.
JOAN: Myrna Lamb, author of “The Astrology of Great Sex: What Your Lover Wants” (Hampton Roads Publishing Co.), believes knowing your sign and that of your mate can provide insight into compatibility and chemistry and how to avoid chaos and fatal attraction. For example, warns Lamb, if two Cancers get together, “the sex is terrific, but the relationship is far from paradise.” What I didn’t know about astrology and relationships is that “it is a system of personality, a system of understanding ourselves.” Lamb says, “I am convinced that almost any relationship can work if people avoid the question, Why is he doing it that way? Ask yourself, What am I doing here that may be creating the problem? How am I making the problem?”
DAN: Woman, thy name is problem. I don't need an astrologer to tell me that the better I understand myself, the better off I'm going to be in any kind of relationship. What have I been preaching since you've known me? As my Dad always advised, “Remember who you are and what you're about.” Who are you? What do you stand for? What do you believe in? What's your purpose? We started with Caesar, now I'll quote Polonius” “To thine own self be true.”
JOAN: You’re missing Lamb’s point. No wonder your relationships only last as long as the flowers you send. She’s saying you need to take responsibility for your part in a relationship when something goes wrong. So often we tend to blame the other person instead of saying this is my problem or issue.
DAN: Your little jab about the length of my relationships hurts only my florist, not me. As for Ms. Lamb — so she’s telling us about the importance of being responsible. Now ain’t that insightful. I can learn that lesson from any “Leave It To Beaver” rerun. Of course, we can be as true to ourselves as possible and still end up alone every Saturday night if we don’t take the time to really listen to what our significant other is saying — or, more importantly, is not saying. Then again, you can do all that and still find yourself in the penthouse suite of Heartbreak Hotel. Love is a two-way street, but some of us get run over in both directions.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
Comments from Examiner Readers
3:00 PM MST on Wed., Jul. 23, 2008 re: "In the game of love, sports is a major player"
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re: "Survey says, trust yourself, not the research"
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re: "Making the most of every day, relationship"
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3:09 PM MST on Sat., Mar. 8, 2008
re: "Putting a corporate spin on the dating game"
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
From working with ESPN and an 90% crew of men every weekend for over 10 years, I can comment on this one! Every weekend that I show up for work, I am bombarded by comments on my outfits, and this is from men that breath and eat sports! AND THEN they quickly move on back to sports. Unless they are clothes designers, metrosexuals, or extremely in touch with their feminine side- I just don't think it merits much attention or is a top priority for men to spend time on the subject of our outfits. I think they make a mental note of our choices over time and make a mental summary (just like they would with their favorite -or soon to be not so favorite by those choices- quarterback.) Men ARE from Mars, but keep those new dresses coming without expecting a response and they will appreciate you like Venus. Even if its sharing nachos watching the game.
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
Just moved back from SoFla and your articles my Mom sent me I now enjoy right off the driveway!I've been living in the dating nightmare capital of the world for women over,well, 35 is over the hill down there.Add to that I'm 5'11" so I was one of the tallest people down there and am not enhanced with plastic surgery...yet.So,it was time to come home and meet a nice guy only to find everyone tell me its a dating nightmare HERE!(Just one reason for the move btw.)Also, I work with almost all men on the road in the TV /Sports Industry and travel alot.Bitter?Airplane for one please.You'd think it would be easy to find one crispy in a stale bag of chips, but its not! You know the OJ book,'If I Did It?' Well, mine is,"If I Dated It!" The sad part is all the stories I gather from singles(sorry Dan, usually women-the men are busy showing pictures of their wives-NOT) on the road are just as pathetic.So what words of wisdom do you have for this tall,45ish,nomadic newcomer to Balto.?
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Examiner Reader said:
"“Now I’m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It’s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”" Ugh. You really need to education yourself about adoption before you consider it. If you're going in with the idea of 'rescuing' you've got a long way to go. Also, birth mother is a sexist and offensive term. It implies that a woman is only an incubator. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
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Examiner Reader said:
Joan, try a valium.
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Happy Mom said:
My son went on J-Date last year, connected with a young lady living in Hawaii for a year, started talking long distance and he decided to go visit her (he figured if she didn't work out he knew he would love Hawaii). Long story short, he called 6 days later and said he loved both. They are on their honeymoon right now. My daughter met her husband on same site, he was living in Virginia, but distance didn't seem a problemk. They are now married for 3 years. So sometimes these services do work and make the parents happy to see their children happy!
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Examiner Reader said:
re: "For me, it can take months to trust and truly love someone, and during that time I am open to meeting others." -- I think the ambiguity and potential conflict comes from people who say what you say but are also willing to have sex with the person in the mean time. Many people equate sex with exclusivity. If she does and you don't, there's a problem. Either you have to wait to have sex until you're ready to be exclusive, or she has to be willing to have sex without being exclusive. The problem is no one likes to talk about this until after having sex. ;-)
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