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BALTIMORE (Map, News) - Happy Valentine’s Day! And for all of those who don’t have someone to hug or share a chocolate or, uh-hem, do anything else that might delight Cupid, warm yourself by the roaring fire with The Examiner’s king and queen of dating — Dan and Joan.
DAN: Ah, Valentine’s Day, that red frilly explosion of Russell Stover heart-shaped boxes and wee Teddy Bears in red vests that implore, “I love you beary much.” Ugh. Anyway, it’s during this wonderful time of the year that women generally like to load their double-gauge nag-guns with their favorite ammo, “why my guy is not romantic.”
My complaint is this: Women are the recipients of romance. They denigrate men for being unromantic, but what do they do that’s romantic for the fellow? He brings a $10,000 diamond tennis bracelet, while he gets, what, her dazzling smile? Well, that and five bucks gets you a decaf mocha latte at Starbucks.
JOAN: I disagree with you about women only being the recipients of romance. This may be your experience because you tend to pick very shallow, self-centered drama queens. The women I know are kind and generous and reciprocate romantic gestures. It’s not unusual for women to send their boyfriends flowers for Valentine’s Day. I send Tom his favorite peanut-butter brownies and protein bars that I make myself.
DAN: It’s not true that I associate only with gold-digging shrews. And who sent the last one my way anyway, Ms. Matchmaker, eh? Occasionally, I encounter women who are like-minded, can pick up a check and don’t require electroshock therapy. But the ability to be normal and to whip out a Visa card every vernal equinox is not the same as being romantic, merely civilized.
JOAN: I like this definition of romance: friendship on fire.
DAN: Friendship is the steppingstone to romance — the stage between platonic feelings and more intimate ones. Romance is what occurs as friendship changes into love. It’s the dance, the ritual and the rite of passage. I once knew a woman who referred to her relationship as “a friendship with bennies,” and your definition reminds me of that. Romance is the joy you feel through the simple act of doing something for someone you love, whether it’s a trip to France or just walking her dog.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
Comments from Examiner Readers
3:00 PM MST on Wed., Jul. 23, 2008 re: "In the game of love, sports is a major player"
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re: "Survey says, trust yourself, not the research"
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re: "Making the most of every day, relationship"
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re: "Putting a corporate spin on the dating game"
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
From working with ESPN and an 90% crew of men every weekend for over 10 years, I can comment on this one! Every weekend that I show up for work, I am bombarded by comments on my outfits, and this is from men that breath and eat sports! AND THEN they quickly move on back to sports. Unless they are clothes designers, metrosexuals, or extremely in touch with their feminine side- I just don't think it merits much attention or is a top priority for men to spend time on the subject of our outfits. I think they make a mental note of our choices over time and make a mental summary (just like they would with their favorite -or soon to be not so favorite by those choices- quarterback.) Men ARE from Mars, but keep those new dresses coming without expecting a response and they will appreciate you like Venus. Even if its sharing nachos watching the game.
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
Just moved back from SoFla and your articles my Mom sent me I now enjoy right off the driveway!I've been living in the dating nightmare capital of the world for women over,well, 35 is over the hill down there.Add to that I'm 5'11" so I was one of the tallest people down there and am not enhanced with plastic surgery...yet.So,it was time to come home and meet a nice guy only to find everyone tell me its a dating nightmare HERE!(Just one reason for the move btw.)Also, I work with almost all men on the road in the TV /Sports Industry and travel alot.Bitter?Airplane for one please.You'd think it would be easy to find one crispy in a stale bag of chips, but its not! You know the OJ book,'If I Did It?' Well, mine is,"If I Dated It!" The sad part is all the stories I gather from singles(sorry Dan, usually women-the men are busy showing pictures of their wives-NOT) on the road are just as pathetic.So what words of wisdom do you have for this tall,45ish,nomadic newcomer to Balto.?
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Examiner Reader said:
"“Now I’m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It’s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”" Ugh. You really need to education yourself about adoption before you consider it. If you're going in with the idea of 'rescuing' you've got a long way to go. Also, birth mother is a sexist and offensive term. It implies that a woman is only an incubator. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
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Examiner Reader said:
Joan, try a valium.
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Happy Mom said:
My son went on J-Date last year, connected with a young lady living in Hawaii for a year, started talking long distance and he decided to go visit her (he figured if she didn't work out he knew he would love Hawaii). Long story short, he called 6 days later and said he loved both. They are on their honeymoon right now. My daughter met her husband on same site, he was living in Virginia, but distance didn't seem a problemk. They are now married for 3 years. So sometimes these services do work and make the parents happy to see their children happy!
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Examiner Reader said:
re: "For me, it can take months to trust and truly love someone, and during that time I am open to meeting others." -- I think the ambiguity and potential conflict comes from people who say what you say but are also willing to have sex with the person in the mean time. Many people equate sex with exclusivity. If she does and you don't, there's a problem. Either you have to wait to have sex until you're ready to be exclusive, or she has to be willing to have sex without being exclusive. The problem is no one likes to talk about this until after having sex. ;-)
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