CHANGE MY LOCATION
What's a lover to do when a pet is in a relationship?
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You love your partner, but there’s this shaggy, snarling interloper who continues to block your way to relationship bliss. No, not your mother-in-law, but your significant other’s significant four-legged other: the pet. She’s had kitty Mr. Twinkles since she was a coed. He’s had bulldog Bruno since Bush Senior was in office. Too bad they slobber all over your Armani suit or use your purse as a chew toy. Is “love me, love my pet” an impossibility?
DAN: No; in fact, an annoying pet offers a great litmus test for the strength of your relationship. I’ve found that if I really care about someone, the pet doesn’t really matter, even if it is Cujo. Chances are if your girlfriend’s yip-yip-yippy lap-lint-pile is enough to send you packing, you will have found some other excuse to exit soon enough.
JOAN: Pet etiquette can be a challenge. My friend Marc has low tolerance for pets and their owners, especially when it comes down to hygiene. When his date asked him up for coffee, he gladly accepted. Then the lady’s cat jumped up on the kitchen table, stuck its head in the pitcher of milk, took a few licks, and his date smiled approvingly. Marc took the hint and high-tailed (no pun intended) out, never to see the lady again.
DAN: Pets can be easier to bear among friends. One pal has a wonderful, loving cat who, sadly, had the annoying tendency to lick everything, including my dress pants. It’s embarrassing to have to explain I need spot stain remover for cat spit.
I lost one friend because she, by her own admission, placed animals above people. I was visiting her and her husband when her dog got locked in their car the morning they were to have given me a ride to the airport. I later learned she was very upset because she felt I hadn’t done enough to help.
Was I to have torn through someone else’s home, opening drawers and going through closets looking for the spare car key? And never mind that now I had to rush to get a taxi so I didn’t miss my flight. The whole incident ultimately ended our friendship.
JOAN: If you’ve ever owned a pet, you know how easy it is to get emotionally attached. When I adopted Shiloh, a beagle mixed diva, I soon fell in love and carted her everywhere — to a July 4th fireworks party at my friend Janet’s, to the Friday night movies in Little Italy, even to the beach for a weekend. So I know how difficult it was for Theresa, 29, a physician, to give up her standard poodle, Manu, when she called off her engagement.
“My fiance and I decided to get a standard poodle because I’m allergic to many breeds, and he wanted a large dog. We researched it carefully and drove hours in search of a pet. We finally found Manu, whom we named after a Spanish singer we both liked. We loved Manu because he wasn’t totally pure; he had white markings on his chest, so he was considered an outcast by breeders. The first two weeks we had him he had a bad reaction to his vaccinations, and we thought we were going to lose him. He was lethargic and wouldn’t eat, but he pulled through. He was our son, and we loved him.”
Then four months after adopting Manu, Theresa and her fiance broke up. Theresa says, “It was my decision to break up. I gave Paul the dog because I felt like it was the fair thing to do. Originally he had moved to the Midwest to be with me. Now I was creating more changes, and I didn’t want to take Manu away from him too.”
My advice to couples with dogs/pets after a breakup is wait a few days to a few weeks to decide who gets custody. Don’t do it right after the breakup because you can’t make rational decisions. Wait until your emotions settle.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
Comments from Examiner Readers
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
From working with ESPN and an 90% crew of men every weekend for over 10 years, I can comment on this one! Every weekend that I show up for work, I am bombarded by comments on my outfits, and this is from men that breath and eat sports! AND THEN they quickly move on back to sports. Unless they are clothes designers, metrosexuals, or extremely in touch with their feminine side- I just don't think it merits much attention or is a top priority for men to spend time on the subject of our outfits. I think they make a mental note of our choices over time and make a mental summary (just like they would with their favorite -or soon to be not so favorite by those choices- quarterback.) Men ARE from Mars, but keep those new dresses coming without expecting a response and they will appreciate you like Venus. Even if its sharing nachos watching the game.
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
Just moved back from SoFla and your articles my Mom sent me I now enjoy right off the driveway!I've been living in the dating nightmare capital of the world for women over,well, 35 is over the hill down there.Add to that I'm 5'11" so I was one of the tallest people down there and am not enhanced with plastic surgery...yet.So,it was time to come home and meet a nice guy only to find everyone tell me its a dating nightmare HERE!(Just one reason for the move btw.)Also, I work with almost all men on the road in the TV /Sports Industry and travel alot.Bitter?Airplane for one please.You'd think it would be easy to find one crispy in a stale bag of chips, but its not! You know the OJ book,'If I Did It?' Well, mine is,"If I Dated It!" The sad part is all the stories I gather from singles(sorry Dan, usually women-the men are busy showing pictures of their wives-NOT) on the road are just as pathetic.So what words of wisdom do you have for this tall,45ish,nomadic newcomer to Balto.?
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Examiner Reader said:
"“Now I’m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It’s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”" Ugh. You really need to education yourself about adoption before you consider it. If you're going in with the idea of 'rescuing' you've got a long way to go. Also, birth mother is a sexist and offensive term. It implies that a woman is only an incubator. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
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Examiner Reader said:
Joan, try a valium.
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Happy Mom said:
My son went on J-Date last year, connected with a young lady living in Hawaii for a year, started talking long distance and he decided to go visit her (he figured if she didn't work out he knew he would love Hawaii). Long story short, he called 6 days later and said he loved both. They are on their honeymoon right now. My daughter met her husband on same site, he was living in Virginia, but distance didn't seem a problemk. They are now married for 3 years. So sometimes these services do work and make the parents happy to see their children happy!
743 agree | 180 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
re: "For me, it can take months to trust and truly love someone, and during that time I am open to meeting others." -- I think the ambiguity and potential conflict comes from people who say what you say but are also willing to have sex with the person in the mean time. Many people equate sex with exclusivity. If she does and you don't, there's a problem. Either you have to wait to have sex until you're ready to be exclusive, or she has to be willing to have sex without being exclusive. The problem is no one likes to talk about this until after having sex. ;-)
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