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Desperately seeking ‘ideal husband’
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In a recent issue of The New York Times, columnist Maureen Dowd shares the insights of Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest who offers advice to the women in his congregation on how to find “the ideal husband.” Basically, “the ideal husband” should have friends, spend money wisely, be raised by the Waltons, have his own mind, isn’t a momma’s boy, is funny, likes to talk, isn’t an addict and is an all-around good, decent, caring human being.
Yeah, right.
DAN: Believe it or not, men like Father Pat’s “ideal husband” do exist in places beyond The Twilight Zone (where he’d be a robot; they had a bunch of episodes like that). The problem is, all these qualities are worthless if the woman isn’t “in love.” She must see stars, birds, moons and old Popeye cartoons when the guy is near. OK, so maybe he can’t hold a job, drinks 190-proof Everclear for breakfast and wears his sweater inside his pants. That means nothing. “Love trumps prudence,” the good padre says, and he’s right. Just because you are in love with someone doesn’t mean he (or she) is the person you should marry. But try telling that to a love-struck woman.
JOAN: I am in complete agreement with Father Connor, especially when he says, “Never marry a man who has no friends. This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands.” This theory holds true with both men and women. If a person doesn’t have friends, he or she may be too needy and demanding of your time. It’s unhealthy to be with your mate 24/7. One person can’t give you everything you need. The opposite is also true. If your significant other wants to spend all of his time with friends and you never see one another, that’s not healthy either.
DAN: All of this can be found in next month’s issue of DUH! Magazine. As Father Pat notes, when he tells his congregation this, they cry out, “You’ve eliminated everyone! Life isn’t fair!” As my friend Terri says, “I agree with all the points made in the article, but getting all that in one package amounts to the perfect guy. I have finally concluded — at 44 and still single — that the perfect guy doesn’t exist, and that one must ‘settle’ for less than ideal.” She’s got the right idea. I look at it this way. If you’re with someone who puts you before himself, makes you laugh, is a decent person that you find at least moderately attractive, should it matter that he doesn’t have sideburns or whatever it is you’ve decided makes him swoon-worthy? Being in love is overrated. As long as I find her appealing, witty, is someone I can trust and I know understands me, that’s enough. Save the fireworks for July 4.
JOAN: I don’t think being in love is overrated. I intend to be in love when I get married, and I’m looking forward to finding someone with the four C’s: chemistry, commitment, communication and compatibility. Another point Father Connor made, which I think is an excellent observation, is, “Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy?” My mother always told me, “Don’t marry a man who’s cheap when you’re dating. They only get worse after you get married.” Good advice.
DAN: That’s fine, but you’ve been looking for half a century and have yet to find someone. Are women expecting too much from men? Or is it that what they seek just doesn’t exist in human nature — a perfect man with imperfections. A paradox? Yes, that’s it exactly. Women don’t really want to find a man who fulfills all their hopes and dreams, because for them, not finding such a man grants them the high ground of martyrdom. That’s the nature of women. They’re only happy when they’re miserable, forced to endure our flaws, like Charlie Brown and Lucy. Women are the Great Correctors. They live to point out the world’s shortcomings by whatever capricious standards they embrace. Women set the bar and then complain the vodka is Smirnoff, not Grey Goose. If a man had no flaws, he’d be useless. To be a woman is to never, ever be satisfied.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
Comments from Examiner Readers
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
From working with ESPN and an 90% crew of men every weekend for over 10 years, I can comment on this one! Every weekend that I show up for work, I am bombarded by comments on my outfits, and this is from men that breath and eat sports! AND THEN they quickly move on back to sports. Unless they are clothes designers, metrosexuals, or extremely in touch with their feminine side- I just don't think it merits much attention or is a top priority for men to spend time on the subject of our outfits. I think they make a mental note of our choices over time and make a mental summary (just like they would with their favorite -or soon to be not so favorite by those choices- quarterback.) Men ARE from Mars, but keep those new dresses coming without expecting a response and they will appreciate you like Venus. Even if its sharing nachos watching the game.
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
Just moved back from SoFla and your articles my Mom sent me I now enjoy right off the driveway!I've been living in the dating nightmare capital of the world for women over,well, 35 is over the hill down there.Add to that I'm 5'11" so I was one of the tallest people down there and am not enhanced with plastic surgery...yet.So,it was time to come home and meet a nice guy only to find everyone tell me its a dating nightmare HERE!(Just one reason for the move btw.)Also, I work with almost all men on the road in the TV /Sports Industry and travel alot.Bitter?Airplane for one please.You'd think it would be easy to find one crispy in a stale bag of chips, but its not! You know the OJ book,'If I Did It?' Well, mine is,"If I Dated It!" The sad part is all the stories I gather from singles(sorry Dan, usually women-the men are busy showing pictures of their wives-NOT) on the road are just as pathetic.So what words of wisdom do you have for this tall,45ish,nomadic newcomer to Balto.?
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Examiner Reader said:
"“Now I’m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It’s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”" Ugh. You really need to education yourself about adoption before you consider it. If you're going in with the idea of 'rescuing' you've got a long way to go. Also, birth mother is a sexist and offensive term. It implies that a woman is only an incubator. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
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Examiner Reader said:
Joan, try a valium.
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Happy Mom said:
My son went on J-Date last year, connected with a young lady living in Hawaii for a year, started talking long distance and he decided to go visit her (he figured if she didn't work out he knew he would love Hawaii). Long story short, he called 6 days later and said he loved both. They are on their honeymoon right now. My daughter met her husband on same site, he was living in Virginia, but distance didn't seem a problemk. They are now married for 3 years. So sometimes these services do work and make the parents happy to see their children happy!
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Examiner Reader said:
re: "For me, it can take months to trust and truly love someone, and during that time I am open to meeting others." -- I think the ambiguity and potential conflict comes from people who say what you say but are also willing to have sex with the person in the mean time. Many people equate sex with exclusivity. If she does and you don't, there's a problem. Either you have to wait to have sex until you're ready to be exclusive, or she has to be willing to have sex without being exclusive. The problem is no one likes to talk about this until after having sex. ;-)
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