Desperately seeking ‘ideal husband’

Yeah, right.

DAN: Believe it or not, men like Father Pat’s “ideal husband” do exist in places beyond The Twilight Zone (where he’d be a robot; they had a bunch of episodes like that). The problem is, all these qualities are worthless if the woman isn’t “in love.” She must see stars, birds, moons and old Popeye cartoons when the guy is near. OK, so maybe he can’t hold a job, drinks 190-proof Everclear for breakfast and wears his sweater inside his pants. That means nothing. “Love trumps prudence,” the good padre says, and he’s right. Just because you are in love with someone doesn’t mean he (or she) is the person you should marry. But try telling that to a love-struck woman.

JOAN: I am in complete agreement with Father Connor, especially when he says, “Never marry a man who has no friends. This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands.” This theory holds true with both men and women. If a person doesn’t have friends, he or she may be too needy and demanding of your time. It’s unhealthy to be with your mate 24/7. One person can’t give you everything you need. The opposite is also true. If your significant other wants to spend all of his time with friends and you never see one another, that’s not healthy either.

DAN: All of this can be found in next month’s issue of DUH! Magazine. As Father Pat notes, when he tells his congregation this, they cry out, “You’ve eliminated everyone! Life isn’t fair!” As my friend Terri says, “I agree with all the points made in the article, but getting all that in one package amounts to the perfect guy. I have finally concluded — at 44 and still single — that the perfect guy doesn’t exist, and that one must ‘settle’ for less than ideal.” She’s got the right idea. I look at it this way. If you’re with someone who puts you before himself, makes you laugh, is a decent person that you find at least moderately attractive, should it matter that he doesn’t have sideburns or whatever it is you’ve decided makes him swoon-worthy? Being in love is overrated. As long as I find her appealing, witty, is someone I can trust and I know understands me, that’s enough. Save the fireworks for July 4.

JOAN: I don’t think being in love is overrated. I intend to be in love when I get married, and I’m looking forward to finding someone with the four C’s: chemistry, commitment, communication and compatibility. Another point Father Connor made, which I think is an excellent observation, is, “Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy?” My mother always told me, “Don’t marry a man who’s cheap when you’re dating. They only get worse after you get married.” Good advice.

DAN: That’s fine, but you’ve been looking for half a century and have yet to find someone. Are women expecting too much from men? Or is it that what they seek just doesn’t exist in human nature — a perfect man with imperfections. A paradox? Yes, that’s it exactly. Women don’t really want to find a man who fulfills all their hopes and dreams, because for them, not finding such a man grants them the high ground of martyrdom. That’s the nature of women. They’re only happy when they’re miserable, forced to endure our flaws, like Charlie Brown and Lucy. Women are the Great Correctors. They live to point out the world’s shortcomings by whatever capricious standards they embrace. Women set the bar and then complain the vodka is Smirnoff, not Grey Goose. If a man had no flaws, he’d be useless. To be a woman is to never, ever be satisfied.

Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”