My child is so great, he’s even better than yours

BALTIMORE (Map, News) - There are many mysteries in the world, some too complex to comprehend.

What’s the meaning of life?

How big is the universe?

Why do people have bumper stickers?

I’m really trying to get my head around that last one.

I recently saw a bumper sticker that bore a little paw print and proclaimed, “I love my pet.” It was so generic, what was the point?

We’re beginning to see stickers for Barack Obama and John McCain in this election year. These, of course, are useless. Has anyone ever decided how to vote because of a bumper sticker? The other day I saw a sticker for Kerry/Edwards, one for Martin O’Malley from the last Maryland gubernatorial election, and another for Ben Cardin from the ’06 Senate race. These are testament to the fact that once you put these things on your car, you can never get them off.

Here was an unlikely one. It read, “I’m only speeding ’cause I really have to poop.” You would expect this crass little number was on some clunker of a car. No. It was on a Cadillac.

One sticker begged, “Please Don’t Hit Me.” Apparently, this driver believes accidents are intentional and hopes to prevent one by asking nicely.

But of all the stickers on cars all over the area, one type gets me the most: The ones saying the driver’s kid is an honor student. Or in case the child has mediocre grades, but happens to have a pleasant personality, another one says, “My Child Is A Terrific Kid.” Do drivers need bumper stickers to show their kids they’re proud of them?

I’ve read that a few companies are offering to match car owners with advertisers who will pay you if you put an ad on your bumper. Isn’t it enough that companies have taken over stadium signs and even advertise in the movie theater? I would rather know the driver is only speeding ’cause he has to poop.

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