CHANGE MY LOCATION
From friend to lover: a tough barrier to cross
SEE THE LATEST ON THIS STORY
Related Topics:
Huffington Post writer Andrea Syrtash recently mused on Yahoo how to cross “the friend zone,” that ephemeral buffer between the platonic and the romantic, that horrible realm from which there is seemingly no escape. Or is there? This week, Dan and Joan discuss if you can dig your way out of the stalag of friendship.
DAN: This issue strikes home for me, as I have, on occasion, found myself pressing my palms against the invisible walls of friendship, like some kind of love-starved Marcel Marceau, hoping to break free and into warm embrace of romance.
Here’s a bit of advice. You can try everything Ms. Syrtash recommends — flirt to test the waters, don’t be a human fire extinguisher (always there in case of emergency, the eternal shoulder to cry on), and “have fun.” It’s all for naught if she “just doesn’t feel it.” You can’t conjure chemistry.
It’s a self-defeating mechanism, one’s attempts to “win” someone’s heart. It only happens in Streisand movies, reality TV and plays like “The Taming of the Shrew,” where Petruchio drowned his lady in a tsunami of kindness. Love is never won, it’s always a gift — you can’t earn it. Affection, yes. Respect, yes. Love, that’s another story.
Unfortunately, I am a dyed-in-the-polyester-and-cotton-blend romantic, and thus, I find the “lost cause” incredibly appealing. I keep pounding on those invisible walls.
JOAN: A soliloquy of which Shakespeare would be proud, Danny. It's true, you can't make somebody love you, but you can say how you feel. My cousin spent weekends (not overnights) with a man who worked for her. They would go to movies, parks, museums, cafes — just friends. Then a year later, she confided in me she was in love with this man. In tears, she asked me what she should do. I offered five little words. “Tell him how you feel.” She called me a week later and said they were engaged.
I'm not saying that the friendship will catch on fire, just be honest. Start with, “How would you feel if we took our friendship to a different level?" The person might answer, "I'm afraid if we did and it didn't work out, I would lose you as a friend.” Then you have to be prepared to talk about how you would feel about that. I would answer, “I'm OK with being more than friends as long as we agree to be honest with each other.”
Single Baltimore resident Donna, 28, says that telling a male friend she would like to take the friendship to the next level is a hard thing to do because she wouldn't want to risk losing the friendship. She says she's a chicken in these matters. “If I knew how to do this, I wouldn't be single. I would ask a stranger out because there aren't any consequences. But if it's someone I'm going to see again through work or mutual friends, I would have to have more of a sense the feeling is mutual before I would ask him out or tell him I'd like to be more than friends. If I finally got the courage, I would ask if he would like to go out for a drink. I wouldn't ask him to go out for a romantic walk in the park. I know it's dumb to be a chicken — how would you know unless you try. Someone has to initiate it."
DAN: I’ve had that “afraid I’d lose you” speech. Sometimes it’s a hurdle you can jump, sometimes, not. Ultimately, for the would-be-lover, you have to decide whether this is something you can tolerate. It’s a terrible thing to love in vain, but as I’ve noted in this column before, love isn’t fair. In fact, love is a lot like running for president. Look at 1992 when Bush Sr. ran against Clinton. Bush thought that he would be embraced by the American people based on his record. He had had success in the Persian Gulf War (Part I), and the economy was rising. Clinton, however, took a page from Don Juan and wooed the voters. He wore shades and played the sax on Arsenio. He did that thing where he bites his lower lip and gives a thumbs-up. Never mind that he had no federal government experience. Bush deserved to win, to be loved. He didn’t. He wasn’t. That’s amore.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
Comments from Examiner Readers
3:00 PM MST on Wed., Jul. 23, 2008 re: "In the game of love, sports is a major player"
Report as inappropriate
2:38 PM MST on Thu., Jul. 10, 2008
re: "Survey says, trust yourself, not the research"
Report as inappropriate
8:25 AM MST on Sat., Jul. 5, 2008
re: "Making the most of every day, relationship"
Report as inappropriate
3:09 PM MST on Sat., Mar. 8, 2008
re: "Putting a corporate spin on the dating game"
Report as inappropriate
1:20 PM MST on Tue., Jul. 3, 2007
re: "The perilous world of online dating"
Report as inappropriate
7:17 AM MST on Tue., May. 29, 2007
re: "What’s with men who date only younger women?"
Report as inappropriate
Nancy-Single on the Road said:
From working with ESPN and an 90% crew of men every weekend for over 10 years, I can comment on this one! Every weekend that I show up for work, I am bombarded by comments on my outfits, and this is from men that breath and eat sports! AND THEN they quickly move on back to sports. Unless they are clothes designers, metrosexuals, or extremely in touch with their feminine side- I just don't think it merits much attention or is a top priority for men to spend time on the subject of our outfits. I think they make a mental note of our choices over time and make a mental summary (just like they would with their favorite -or soon to be not so favorite by those choices- quarterback.) Men ARE from Mars, but keep those new dresses coming without expecting a response and they will appreciate you like Venus. Even if its sharing nachos watching the game.
Vote on this comment: I agree or I disagree
Nancy-Single on the Road said:
Just moved back from SoFla and your articles my Mom sent me I now enjoy right off the driveway!I've been living in the dating nightmare capital of the world for women over,well, 35 is over the hill down there.Add to that I'm 5'11" so I was one of the tallest people down there and am not enhanced with plastic surgery...yet.So,it was time to come home and meet a nice guy only to find everyone tell me its a dating nightmare HERE!(Just one reason for the move btw.)Also, I work with almost all men on the road in the TV /Sports Industry and travel alot.Bitter?Airplane for one please.You'd think it would be easy to find one crispy in a stale bag of chips, but its not! You know the OJ book,'If I Did It?' Well, mine is,"If I Dated It!" The sad part is all the stories I gather from singles(sorry Dan, usually women-the men are busy showing pictures of their wives-NOT) on the road are just as pathetic.So what words of wisdom do you have for this tall,45ish,nomadic newcomer to Balto.?
Vote on this comment: I agree or I disagree
Examiner Reader said:
"“Now I’m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It’s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”" Ugh. You really need to education yourself about adoption before you consider it. If you're going in with the idea of 'rescuing' you've got a long way to go. Also, birth mother is a sexist and offensive term. It implies that a woman is only an incubator. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
1 agree | 3 disagree
Vote on this comment: I agree or I disagree
Examiner Reader said:
Joan, try a valium.
8 agree | 8 disagree
Vote on this comment: I agree or I disagree
Happy Mom said:
My son went on J-Date last year, connected with a young lady living in Hawaii for a year, started talking long distance and he decided to go visit her (he figured if she didn't work out he knew he would love Hawaii). Long story short, he called 6 days later and said he loved both. They are on their honeymoon right now. My daughter met her husband on same site, he was living in Virginia, but distance didn't seem a problemk. They are now married for 3 years. So sometimes these services do work and make the parents happy to see their children happy!
743 agree | 180 disagree
Vote on this comment: I agree or I disagree
Examiner Reader said:
re: "For me, it can take months to trust and truly love someone, and during that time I am open to meeting others." -- I think the ambiguity and potential conflict comes from people who say what you say but are also willing to have sex with the person in the mean time. Many people equate sex with exclusivity. If she does and you don't, there's a problem. Either you have to wait to have sex until you're ready to be exclusive, or she has to be willing to have sex without being exclusive. The problem is no one likes to talk about this until after having sex. ;-)
229 agree | 208 disagree
Vote on this comment: I agree or I disagree