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Afraid to test the dating waters?
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There’s a saying, “Once bitten, twice shy.” Relationship disappointments can pile up like the sand, leaving one reluctant to test the dating waters. Why are they so shark-infested? Perhaps it’s not the waters, but your attitude. The lifeguards of love, Dan and Joan, are here to help you keep afloat.
DAN: There’s nothing like a bad dating experience to make you consider a monastery ... those touching moments when that sweet girl you thought might be a wee bit emotional turns out to be channeling Charlie Manson and you envision yourself depicted in an episode of “American Justice,” it’s enough to make a guy price trips to the North Pole. Need to get away?
JOAN: I finally have the hang of dating and I’m enjoying myself now in that world. I ask friends and colleagues if they know anyone for me, and that I’ve decided I’d like to get married. I’ve had three dates in the past few months with new people. My advice is just don’t have any expectations. If the person is nice but there’s no chemistry, introduce him or her to a friend.
DAN: It helps to feel confident about where you are in your life and to have a strong support system when it comes to dating. For those of us who don’t, that’s where the fear comes in. So ask yourself, what are you afraid of — rejection? That goes with the territory. If someone says, “Thanks, but there isn’t any chemistry for me,” it doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you. You don’t denigrate the round peg for not fitting in the square hole.
JOAN: Peggy, a confident baby boomer whom we met at a recent singles function, says fear doesn’t stop her from dating — it’s men’s expectations regarding sex. “I decided not to date because men my age want fancy sex early on. Yuck. I find it’s offensive to go there so fast.”
After being married to a military officer for 21 years, Peggy, now divorced, says she is happy where she is. “I don’t have to hold myself back anymore or dumb myself down. I have enough money, hobbies, a circle of friends, a lovely house and a good relationship with my kids.”
Peggy shares her list of four categories of men whom she has dated. No wonder she’s not dating!
1. Deadly dull
2 a. Fatally flawed — benign (this subgroup includes slobs, men who can’t hold down a job, etc.)
b. Fatally flawed — malignant (anger management problems, addictions)
3. Rakes (womanizers)
4. Emotionally intelligent, monogamous, married.
DAN: Ranks right up there with my Four Horsewomen of the Dating Apocalypse (the Bitter, Wounded, Desperate and Insane … and now I add a Fifth — the Golddiggers, and I don’t mean Dean Martin’s old backup singers). I was with you at that singles function, and it seemed the greatest fear was how to “get out there” and meet someone.
Easy: First do a personal inventory. Who are you, what do you like, believe in, your values — you want these to jibe with whomever you may meet. Second, take part in activities that you find of interest. You mentioned your mother suggested you’d meet a lot of nice men if you took up bridge; well, maybe so (back when Eisenhower was president) but if you don’t like bridge, why would you want to be with someone who does? You like hiking? Join the Sierra Club. You like museums? Join the Walters. That way, even if you don’t meet someone, you’ll still have fun doing the things you enjoy.
JOAN: Yes, my mother did suggest that I learn bridge, but the only card game I excelled in was Old Maid. As far as where to go to meet someone, try a new neighborhood. If you want to learn Italian, why not sign up for a class at a community college across town? This way you’re increasing the number of new people you can meet.
Remember to ask friends if they know anyone single. But watch how you ask. Be upbeat and positive (i.e., “I’m ready to date again and wondered if you know someone wonderful”). Don’t be disappointed if they say they don’t know anyone now. When my friend Jane had some artwork framed by the owner of an art gallery, she asked if she knew anyone special. The gallery owner later called Jane and told her about a client who was recently widowed. They met, and they’re getting married in the fall.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
Comments from Examiner Readers
3:00 PM MST on Wed., Jul. 23, 2008 re: "In the game of love, sports is a major player"
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re: "Making the most of every day, relationship"
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
From working with ESPN and an 90% crew of men every weekend for over 10 years, I can comment on this one! Every weekend that I show up for work, I am bombarded by comments on my outfits, and this is from men that breath and eat sports! AND THEN they quickly move on back to sports. Unless they are clothes designers, metrosexuals, or extremely in touch with their feminine side- I just don't think it merits much attention or is a top priority for men to spend time on the subject of our outfits. I think they make a mental note of our choices over time and make a mental summary (just like they would with their favorite -or soon to be not so favorite by those choices- quarterback.) Men ARE from Mars, but keep those new dresses coming without expecting a response and they will appreciate you like Venus. Even if its sharing nachos watching the game.
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
Just moved back from SoFla and your articles my Mom sent me I now enjoy right off the driveway!I've been living in the dating nightmare capital of the world for women over,well, 35 is over the hill down there.Add to that I'm 5'11" so I was one of the tallest people down there and am not enhanced with plastic surgery...yet.So,it was time to come home and meet a nice guy only to find everyone tell me its a dating nightmare HERE!(Just one reason for the move btw.)Also, I work with almost all men on the road in the TV /Sports Industry and travel alot.Bitter?Airplane for one please.You'd think it would be easy to find one crispy in a stale bag of chips, but its not! You know the OJ book,'If I Did It?' Well, mine is,"If I Dated It!" The sad part is all the stories I gather from singles(sorry Dan, usually women-the men are busy showing pictures of their wives-NOT) on the road are just as pathetic.So what words of wisdom do you have for this tall,45ish,nomadic newcomer to Balto.?
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Examiner Reader said:
"“Now I’m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It’s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”" Ugh. You really need to education yourself about adoption before you consider it. If you're going in with the idea of 'rescuing' you've got a long way to go. Also, birth mother is a sexist and offensive term. It implies that a woman is only an incubator. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
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Examiner Reader said:
Joan, try a valium.
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Happy Mom said:
My son went on J-Date last year, connected with a young lady living in Hawaii for a year, started talking long distance and he decided to go visit her (he figured if she didn't work out he knew he would love Hawaii). Long story short, he called 6 days later and said he loved both. They are on their honeymoon right now. My daughter met her husband on same site, he was living in Virginia, but distance didn't seem a problemk. They are now married for 3 years. So sometimes these services do work and make the parents happy to see their children happy!
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Examiner Reader said:
re: "For me, it can take months to trust and truly love someone, and during that time I am open to meeting others." -- I think the ambiguity and potential conflict comes from people who say what you say but are also willing to have sex with the person in the mean time. Many people equate sex with exclusivity. If she does and you don't, there's a problem. Either you have to wait to have sex until you're ready to be exclusive, or she has to be willing to have sex without being exclusive. The problem is no one likes to talk about this until after having sex. ;-)
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