CHANGE MY LOCATION
That darn ex, Part II
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Last week, Dan and Joan tackled the question of “What do you do with your ex?” Say goodbye forever? Keep her around as a friend? Take him to the exchange desk at Macy’s? The topic got our binary stars of the dating universe really twinkling, so they keep on where they left off.
JOAN: Excuse me — the man I supposedly “shared my essence with” said he wanted to find the woman who, when he glanced across a room, he would know instantly was his soul mate, and I wasn’t she. Then he and his spiritual adviser decided he wouldn’t be seeing me again after his last visit to Baltimore. He just forgot to tell me that until I dropped him off four days later at the airport. I find that dishonest and deceptive. I don’t want to have a friendship with him at this time. I still believe he is a kind and caring person, but sometimes it’s best to have a clean break so you can move on with your life and meet new people.
DAN: Well, that’s the challenge we have with this column, isn’t it? We discuss what men and women are like, and these creatures don’t exist. It’s sheer hubris to believe that the limited experience that each of us has with a small circle of people can somehow translate into all-encompassing life rules that are applicable to both sexes. Bottom line is, we have to deal with each person we encounter, one at a time. What applies to Fred won’t fly with Jack. What works for Sally is anathema for Jane.
The pitfall I would want our readers to avoid is this: Don’t let your personal experiences sour you on dealings with the opposite sex. OK, so your man wasn’t as forthcoming as you might like. But perhaps he was afraid to come out and say what he wanted, and that’s a communication issue, one of the biggest problems in most relationships. Not to make excuses, but if we live our lives by the Golden Rule and put ourselves in the other guy’s (or gal’s) place, we might better weather our dating woes and be in a more positive frame of mind (and heart) when the next person comes along. It’s a theory, anyway.
JOAN: To continue with our conversation with Robin, 50, and Linda, 40, from our Starbucks interview on the topic of staying friends with an ex, Robin says, “My ex-husband is married to the woman who destroyed our relationship. Today, I have more dealings with her than with him, and I talk to her about my son. I went to their house for his graduation party. No matter how stressful that was, I did that for my son. Over time, I don’t have bad feelings for them.”
Linda says, “A number of guys I’ve gone out with — guys who end the relationship with me — I don’t want to be friends with them. I don’t want to be friends with guys I’ve ended the relationship with either. It’s easier to be friends with people you don’t have romantic feelings for."
DAN: So if Linda ends the relationship, one could assume she wouldn’t have romantic feelings for the guy. So, by her own words, wouldn’t it be OK to be friends with him? Personally, I think all guys have some romantic feelings for every woman in their life. They can’t help it, it’s hormones, it’s 100 million years of evolution. We just don’t act on those feelings. It’s only difficult if the feelings become too strong. But I think all men have a “low-level” attraction for every woman with whom they share some kind of relationship. Otherwise, why be friends with a woman? That’s what our male buds are for.
JOAN: I went on a blind date recently with a man who believes he knows within 20 seconds of meeting a woman if he’s in love. He’s had this with his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend, and the other women in his life are “just friends.” He says his female friends are very important to him because they last longer; they’re for life.
Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
From working with ESPN and an 90% crew of men every weekend for over 10 years, I can comment on this one! Every weekend that I show up for work, I am bombarded by comments on my outfits, and this is from men that breath and eat sports! AND THEN they quickly move on back to sports. Unless they are clothes designers, metrosexuals, or extremely in touch with their feminine side- I just don't think it merits much attention or is a top priority for men to spend time on the subject of our outfits. I think they make a mental note of our choices over time and make a mental summary (just like they would with their favorite -or soon to be not so favorite by those choices- quarterback.) Men ARE from Mars, but keep those new dresses coming without expecting a response and they will appreciate you like Venus. Even if its sharing nachos watching the game.
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Nancy-Single on the Road said:
Just moved back from SoFla and your articles my Mom sent me I now enjoy right off the driveway!I've been living in the dating nightmare capital of the world for women over,well, 35 is over the hill down there.Add to that I'm 5'11" so I was one of the tallest people down there and am not enhanced with plastic surgery...yet.So,it was time to come home and meet a nice guy only to find everyone tell me its a dating nightmare HERE!(Just one reason for the move btw.)Also, I work with almost all men on the road in the TV /Sports Industry and travel alot.Bitter?Airplane for one please.You'd think it would be easy to find one crispy in a stale bag of chips, but its not! You know the OJ book,'If I Did It?' Well, mine is,"If I Dated It!" The sad part is all the stories I gather from singles(sorry Dan, usually women-the men are busy showing pictures of their wives-NOT) on the road are just as pathetic.So what words of wisdom do you have for this tall,45ish,nomadic newcomer to Balto.?
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Examiner Reader said:
"“Now I’m waiting on a birth mom in Florida. It’s very hard to find a birth mother if you are single in the U.S. I have a room set up for a baby, a rescue dog, and a new career that I love. Now I want to save a child, not the world.”" Ugh. You really need to education yourself about adoption before you consider it. If you're going in with the idea of 'rescuing' you've got a long way to go. Also, birth mother is a sexist and offensive term. It implies that a woman is only an incubator. A pregnant woman is an expectant mother.
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Examiner Reader said:
Joan, try a valium.
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Happy Mom said:
My son went on J-Date last year, connected with a young lady living in Hawaii for a year, started talking long distance and he decided to go visit her (he figured if she didn't work out he knew he would love Hawaii). Long story short, he called 6 days later and said he loved both. They are on their honeymoon right now. My daughter met her husband on same site, he was living in Virginia, but distance didn't seem a problemk. They are now married for 3 years. So sometimes these services do work and make the parents happy to see their children happy!
743 agree | 180 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
re: "For me, it can take months to trust and truly love someone, and during that time I am open to meeting others." -- I think the ambiguity and potential conflict comes from people who say what you say but are also willing to have sex with the person in the mean time. Many people equate sex with exclusivity. If she does and you don't, there's a problem. Either you have to wait to have sex until you're ready to be exclusive, or she has to be willing to have sex without being exclusive. The problem is no one likes to talk about this until after having sex. ;-)
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