SAN FRANCISCO (Map, News) - It’s the kind of investigative journalism that would make Woodward and Bernstein proud.

I have uncovered a copy of the letter Barry Bonds sent out to all 30 Major League Baseball teams — well, actually 29 ... Barry refused to beg for his job back in S.F.

Dear General Manager,

Hard to believe it’s come to this, but I am writing this letter to personally let you know that I am eager to return to the big leagues. In between taking my children to school and religiously watching “American Idol,” I have been working out feverishly in hopes of finding a new team.

Now I know what you may be thinking: Who wants a gimpy-legged, soon-to-be 44-year-old with an ego and attitude matched only by his hat size?

But after being away from baseball for almost eight months, I am ready to make some important changes.

I will not insist that the team I play for be a contender. I know in the past I said all my records take a back seat to getting to the World Series, but now I know winning isn’t everything — I just miss being one of the guys. I will not make huge salary demands. I have made enough money to last 100 lifetimes, so now it’s time to make sure there’s enough to go around for everybody else.

In my newfound spirit of camaraderie, I will no longer require four lockers in the clubhouse. With all the time I’ve spent at home, I’ve learned that sharing helps a family grow closer. When the manager says it’s time to stretch or pose for the team photo, I will no longer tell him to get lost — hey, I don’t even watch that show, anyway.

And although I’ve never played in the American League, I finally realize that being a designated hitter will not only keep me fresher at the plate, but I also won’t have to hear the annoying “ster-oid” chants from those prejudiced bleacher bums.

As for my posse of traveling companions — or, as we say here in Beverly Hills, my entourage — well, I would like to keep just one assistant: personal trainer Greg Anderson. Greg is more loyal than Old Yeller and even though I’ve treated him like a dog in the past, he will live in the lap of luxury for the rest of his life, however feeble it may be.

And finally, I know you may be concerned that my legal problems will be a distraction, but trust me, my lawyers are so good that the government’s perjury case won’t go to trial until I’m long gone from the game.

Please don’t let this great opportunity pass you by. Soon, the kids will be home for summer vacation and they already told me I better have a job by then.

Yours in waiting,

Barry Lamar Bonds

P.S.: Don’t contact my agent Jeff Borris directly. Who needs a middleman anyway?

Rich Walcoff is the sports director at KGO Radio (810 AM) and can be heard weekdays between 5-9 a.m. on the “KGO Morning News.” He can also be reached at richwalcoff@abc-sf.com.

Comments from Examiner Readers

9:23 AM MST on Thu., May. 8, 2008 re: "Walcoff: Here�s the deal: Let me play and I�ll reduce posse to one"

Examiner Reader said:
I don't get it. He didn't really write this letter, but did he actually write a letter to all the GM's looking for a job?? Confusing??

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2:44 PM MST on Tue., May. 29, 2007 re: "Without a blemish"

CHC Alum said:
Congratulations to the Cardinals! Now, if only they could transfer some of that talent to the football team and start winning the Turkey Bowl...

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7:36 AM MST on Wed., May. 23, 2007 re: "Arms key Eastern Tech�s playoff run"

Examiner Reader said:
Ryan Rivers is by far one of the best pitchers in the county,his mechanics and smoothness, will fool you.

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6:15 AM MST on Mon., May. 21, 2007 re: "Simons shows the way for St. Albans"

Examiner Reader said:
how come there are no articles on calvert hall players in the area they are 32-0 they have beat carvel academy, st.johns d.c.,notre dame of virgina,and 5 teams from other states in the disney world classic. can they get some print thanks

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8:43 PM MST on Mon., May. 14, 2007 re: "Jacob�s ladder leads to Georga Tech"

Examiner Reader said:
Jacobs is no doubt best pitcher in the state

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9:12 AM MST on Mon., May. 14, 2007 re: "Simons shows the way for St. Albans"

Examiner Reader said:
The score was 9-3 not 7-2 and STA also beat prep for the championship 9-1. Just cuz we didnt play St. Johns doesnt mean you can look past us.

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10:10 AM MST on Fri., May. 11, 2007 re: "Simons shows the way for St. Albans"

Examiner Reader said:
Albans has a good record, but who have they played? Their obvious DC competitors are St. Johns and Gonzaga. Have they played them? The premier private school is Notre Dame. Have they played them? How good is the IAC this year?

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5:45 AM MST on Fri., May. 4, 2007 re: "Brady shows QO his best stuff"

Examiner Reader said:
Brady dominating on the mound. Best pitcher in state

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8:11 AM MST on Tue., May. 1, 2007 re: "Panthers back on the prowl"

Examiner Reader said:
Good Luck to the Panthers. PVI has a great program!

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