In his novel “1984” George Orwell coined the term “Newspeak,” a language designed to destroy all subtlety and wit, making it perfect for a totalitarian regime. Many women may think their menfolk have their own Newspeak, spewing monosyllables and grunts in the face of such questions as, “What are you thinking?” or “Don’t you love rainbows?” or “Am I fat?”

American men and women seem separated by a common language. Our two resident linguists in love’s Tower of Babel, Dan and Joan, babble about it.

DAN: I dated a woman who, when we would argue, brought all debate to a grinding halt with the phrase, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Arrgg!! It’s patronizing and condescending, and it places her on the emotional high ground; and it makes me look like a raging Neanderthal (when I’m more a cross between a young Cary Grant and Albert Einstein with just a hint of F. Scott Fitzgerald). What comeback is there for that?

JOAN: I shared your phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” with my divorced friend Tom in Seattle, and he laughed loudly. Here’s Tom’s read on the differences in communication styles between women and men. “Men are result driven. They want to get from Point A to Point B. Women want to know how men get from Point A to Point B; they want to share emotionally and come together as one. Dan’s mistake was he put a wall up and shut her down.” Tom says that men are more dry and to the point; they have an objective, something they want to do or accomplish for themselves or their significant other. Women are more concerned with how they get there and the emotional meaning to it. According to Tom, if a man says “I’d like to go to the movies,” the woman may be thinking “I need a new dress for the movie,” or “I’d like to go to dinner before the movie.”

DAN: First, Mr. Home Improvement I’m not, so it wasn’t me “putting up walls.” “I’m sorry you feel that way” was the wall she put up to shut me down. Friend Gayle, who admits she has “worked in the public eye” for many years, making her a battle-scarred veteran of customer- abrasive comments, believes the best response would be: “Not as sorry as I am that you feel the way you do.” Should the conversation get to that point, I fear we’re only a step away from a “Yo momma” fight. Not exactly Lincoln-Douglas, is it?

JOAN: Baltimore psychiatrist Mark Komrad says the most common problem he sees in intimate relationships is blame. When you get to a communication standstill with your significant other, Komrad suggests saying the following: “I saw something in the way that I related to you that I don’t like about myself, and I apologize for that. And it’s something I’ve seen that is a pattern for me, and I want you to know I’m going to take some responsibility to try to work on it.” That gets a standing ovation in my book. If a man said that to me, I’d propose.

DAN: Yes, it’s mature, appropriate and deserves a standing ovation. But, it’s stuff that no man is ever going to say unless he happens to be Niles Crane or from Bizarro World. The problem is, men have a tendency to get defensive, and so that means they either say something stupid/aggressive that makes things exponentially worse, or they’re clever and say “Sorry honey, I didn’t hear you over SportsCenter. Have I mentioned how beautiful you are?” Or nothing at all. That works.

JOAN: My boss, Linda Newburger, who has been happily married to Ken for more than 20 years, said: “The man should say the woman is always right.”

DAN: I’d rather quote author Douglas “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” Adams’ character, Slartibardfast: “I’d rather be happy than right any day.” So guys, pick your battles. Speak up when she wants to toss out your old varsity jersey or steps in front of the widescreen during the Super Bowl or claims “a headache” for the 45th day in a row. Otherwise — just smile.

Dan Collins is a terminally single 40-something writer and local PR maven. Joan Allen is a noted matchmaker extraordinaire and author of “Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right: From Stalemate to Soulmate.”