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BALTIMORE (Map, News) - This a very important announcement, so please, everybody, turn off your cell phones.
The three American Grand Slam golf tournaments, the Masters, the United States Open and the Professional Golfers’ Association have just announced that for this year and for the immediate future, they have all been canceled. Speaking for the three tournaments, Billy Payne, the chairman of Augusta National, said that it just all seemed pointless to play the tournaments inasmuch as it was a foregone conclusion that Tiger Woods would win them all this year and for, as Mr. Payne said, “as far as the eye can see.”
This action follows on the heels of two PGA Tour decisions. Just last week, as you know, it canceled all those tournaments which Woods was not scheduled to play, because nobody cared about those. Then, yesterday, the PGA announced the cessation of all the tournaments Woods was scheduled to play in because it was obvious he was going to win all those by several strokes and what was the point?
As one tournament executive said: “Golf is getting to be like the Harlem Globetrotters beating up on stooges, but at least that’s fun to watch. Tiger winning is like watching global warming.”
Please turn off your cell phones until this commentary is over. Then you can call your friends with the news. Thank you.
The PGA tour said that the decision was also motivated by the patriotic desire to conserve energy. Now people won’t waste money driving to tournaments that everybody knows Tiger will win anyway.
At least for now, the British Open is still planning to be held this July at Royal Birkdale. There are two reasons for what is now being called the “Huckabee holdout of golf.” First, the Scots are still hoping that their chubby favorite, Colin Montgomerie, might yet just once catch lightning in a bottle and actually not choke and finally win a major. Secondly, because the dollar is so weak and the pound so strong, there is some talk that even Woods may not be able to afford to leave the United States to play in Great Britain. Go, Colin Montgomerie!
The news of the cancellation of so many golf tournaments, comes on the heels of a front-page New York Times article, which reported that the number of Americans golfers is plummeting. The reasons given are that golf is too expensive and it takes up too much time. (Fourteen and a half American men admitted that they have never seen their wives and children in daylight hours during golf season.) Another reason cited is that cell phones are banned on many U.S. courses, and 6.3 million American men admitted they simply could not go without cell phones for that long.
But the largest reason cited for the alarming decline in golf participation was that Tiger Woods was so good that he was discouraging all golfers. Seventy-eight per cent of golfers cited the so-called “Woods perfection depression syndrome” for giving up the game.
Please keep your cell phones off when golf is being discussed.
Some hope for the tour has emerged, as Congressmen Dan Burton of Indiana and Christopher Shays of Connecticut, who made complete fools of themselves supporting Roger Clemens in House hearings last month, are proposing a loophole in federal law, which would allow all professional golfers except Woods to use steroids and human growth hormone, as a way, Mr. Shays said, “of leveling the playing field.”
Woods himself could not be reached for comment. He was in seclusion, working on improving his game . . . and how better to hold trophies high and kiss them for the photographers.
Thank you for reading. You can now turn on your cell phones.
Frank Deford’s column also appears as commentary Wednesdays on National Public Radio’s Morning Edition. He can be reached at flamegarden@aol.com
Comments from Examiner Readers
10:21 AM MST on Thu., Jul. 24, 2008 re: "Presidential game plan: Obama’s bid rooted to the rise of the black athlete"
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4:20 PM MST on Thu., Jul. 3, 2008
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2:48 PM MST on Tue., Apr. 15, 2008
re: "Maybe it’s time to extinguish the Olympic torch"
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8:01 AM MST on Fri., Oct. 5, 2007
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5:41 PM MST on Mon., Sep. 10, 2007
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6:05 PM MST on Fri., Aug. 17, 2007
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Examiner Reader said:
Dude, come into the 21st century and leave your old white guy racist beliefs behind. Are you friggin' serious? Nah, you gotta be kidding. Some old fart like you? Geez!
2 agree | 1 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
your chauvanistic gilman background shows. what about hoff she is from baltimore too. you seem to dismiss the williams as unamerican---perhaps because they are women also
2 agree | 3 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
This is quite possibly the stupidest article I've read in a while. Frank, was press time five minutes away when you coined this piece?
9 agree | 8 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
Great article; agree with it entirely. The Olympics have lost their prestige, and this year in Beijing, the IOC will recognize this reality when it sees the declining interest from worldwide audiences. And indeed, let's ask the athletes to skip the opening ceremonies and demand that President Bush boycott the games altogether; it's his job to speak diplomatically with action.
7 agree | 9 disagree
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Brian O'Rourke said:
Alas, poor Billick...we knew him well!
128 agree | 131 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
this so called legal system will destroy a thousand white men to destroy one black man. if they want him bad enough. and they do. racism is more clandestine and senister in this country than anywhere else in the world. we black men are considered a threat and always have been. but the table is taking a slow turn. but don't worry we'll show you some love. obviously something you know nothing about.
149 agree | 166 disagree
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avid reader said:
Angelos would not listen to anyone who made sense about making baseball interesting again in Baltimore.
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Michael said:
Football was named after the length of the ball, one foot. It has nothing to do with using your feet. And no one cares about soccer anyway. You could change its name to kickball. Oh, and basketball will be bounceball. And change tennis to racketball, racketball to wallball, and golf to metalstickball. Hey, volleyball. Theres one you can keep. Some people will search high and low to find something to complain about. Isn't there real sports news in D.C. that you can write about.
311 agree | 293 disagree
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Ron Redmerski said:
No way was this supposed to happen. Not like this, anyway. Four years ago when the ACC decided to expand, the prevailing thought on Tobacco Road was that the SEC had some competition. Finally. A 12 team super conference that included two Florida schools and, arguably, New England’s top athletic program. The talent-rich, fertile Newport Beach/Hampton recruiting areas were going to help the ACC yield top five football programs like Pez dispensers spit out candy. Well, if yesterday was any indication of how far the ACC has come, we won’t be eating Elvis Pez any time soon. Losing to an underrated East Carolina team is one thing (not to mention struggling with UAB, a program beaten by Michigan State 55-12 the week prior), but getting run over, completely throttled, by LSU and Oklahoma is quite another. The aforementioned powers made quick and decisive work of Virginia Tech and Miami (and that’s saying it nicely), respectively, the two programs that had John Swofford and the ACC bras
315 agree | 335 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
Frank Deford's editorial on tall tales: Best athletes seem to rise Growth hormones does wonders ask my 16 year old son who is on them for medical reasons due to cancer treatment as a baby! If an adult or even a child is using them and they shouldn't be who knows what problems they may have down the road.
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Examiner Reader said:
Reminds me of the old line about horseracing as the sport of kings. But you never saw any kings @the $2 window.
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