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Super Bowl, Shakespeare style
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Examiner columnist Frank Deford believes Tom Brady would be the perfect leading man for William Shakespeare’s play about Super Bowl XLII.
BALTIMORE (Map, News) - The Super Bowl has grown so big that I could think of only one man to cover it: William Shakespeare. The Bard was in Arizona when the two teams met the media yesterday and filed this exclusive play.
Act One begins as a mob of sports journalists enter the field at The University of Phoenix Stadium. A fetching reporter, the SIDELINE WENCH of the Duchy of Fox, steps forward.
» SIDELINE WENCH: Since none of my sex ‘tis allowed
Within the network booth on high,
‘Twill be my one sweet distaff voice
Midst these growling sports-page lowlifes
Which will, upon my sideline nunnery,
Dare confront the pretty Brady.
Two heralds, KORNHEISERCRANZ and WILBONSTERN, wearing hideous matching ESPN doublets, elbow the Sideline Wench aside.
» KORNHEISERCRANZ: Upon this line-ed greensward set within
A desert the Almighty fixed but for cactus
Will be this, our strange stage for Sabbath’s pigskin war,
Waged by mesomorphs come from green Blue States afar.
» WILBONSTERN: ‘Tis stranger still the warrior names affixed,
For they would better be the one, the other.
Think on’t: those called Giants are but dwarfs here,
Mere ciphers in the point spread, a goodly dozen down.
» KORNHEISERCRANZ: Yea, the true giants, these peerless monsters,
Call themselves Patriots, e’en though they give shame
To that sweet address, trafficking more as traitors,
Scoundrels in video deceit, cashing all manner of Belichicks.
» SIDELINE WENCH: But, hush all you scribes who bloviate so,
For comes now fair Brady, he who is as super
In his mortal company as e’re this game is to sport.
But soft! Let me look upon him as if I filled his embrace,
Ohh! A visage that Narcissus would have traded for!
And a manner that ne’er knows pressure or fear.
But, alas, ‘tis women of fashion that he favors,
For one already has his babe, another his flowers,
And I: only a sideline wench who can but model dreams.
Brady enters
» KORNHEISERCRANZ: Methinks the crunch upon his presence is so great,
And the paparazzi do shine forth such a spangled glare
That the great golden orb above must be dimmed
And the sounds of Niagara itself seem noiseless
Before the din of questions that confront our great Brady.
» ALL THE MEDIA: Brady, Brady what is afoot with thou?
» BRADY: Good men of the press box, I come whole to you,
For always the feats I have achieved, were upon my two feet,
And Sunday next, I shall play the same no less,
One game at a time, one good foot before the other.
But now, I bid you, let me take my leave to join my mates,
For by rolling alone, there is no way for Moss to gather passes.
Brady exits
» WILBONSTERN: But look now, who approaches from yon other way.
‘Tis young Eli, who seems, in his manner, yet a boy,
No match for such a paragon as the dauntless Brady.
» KORNHEISERCRANZ: ‘Tis so, he is yet more Manning than man,
But the football blood that fills that callow vessel
Is as royal as Brady ever bought to his capture-ed throne.
Eli is the magnolia seed of the sainted Archie
And thus branch from the same tree as Peyton,
He, who made stallions of Colts but twelvemonth past.
Mayhap the lad can, with a pigskin, find the same mark
Little David did when the bookies of yore favored huge Goliath.
» SIDELINE WENCH: So, withal, is the grandeur of Brady match for the legacy of Eli? Forsooth,
With that I take my silence and send it back up to the boys in the booth.
Frank Deford’s column also appears Wednesdays on National Public Radio’s Morning Edition. He can be reached at flamegarden@aol.com.
Comments from Examiner Readers
10:21 AM MST on Thu., Jul. 24, 2008 re: "Presidential game plan: Obama’s bid rooted to the rise of the black athlete"
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8:01 AM MST on Fri., Oct. 5, 2007
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5:41 PM MST on Mon., Sep. 10, 2007
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6:05 PM MST on Fri., Aug. 17, 2007
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Examiner Reader said:
Dude, come into the 21st century and leave your old white guy racist beliefs behind. Are you friggin' serious? Nah, you gotta be kidding. Some old fart like you? Geez!
4 agree | 3 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
your chauvanistic gilman background shows. what about hoff she is from baltimore too. you seem to dismiss the williams as unamerican---perhaps because they are women also
4 agree | 5 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
This is quite possibly the stupidest article I've read in a while. Frank, was press time five minutes away when you coined this piece?
11 agree | 10 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
Great article; agree with it entirely. The Olympics have lost their prestige, and this year in Beijing, the IOC will recognize this reality when it sees the declining interest from worldwide audiences. And indeed, let's ask the athletes to skip the opening ceremonies and demand that President Bush boycott the games altogether; it's his job to speak diplomatically with action.
9 agree | 11 disagree
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Brian O'Rourke said:
Alas, poor Billick...we knew him well!
130 agree | 133 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
this so called legal system will destroy a thousand white men to destroy one black man. if they want him bad enough. and they do. racism is more clandestine and senister in this country than anywhere else in the world. we black men are considered a threat and always have been. but the table is taking a slow turn. but don't worry we'll show you some love. obviously something you know nothing about.
151 agree | 168 disagree
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avid reader said:
Angelos would not listen to anyone who made sense about making baseball interesting again in Baltimore.
191 agree | 168 disagree
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Michael said:
Football was named after the length of the ball, one foot. It has nothing to do with using your feet. And no one cares about soccer anyway. You could change its name to kickball. Oh, and basketball will be bounceball. And change tennis to racketball, racketball to wallball, and golf to metalstickball. Hey, volleyball. Theres one you can keep. Some people will search high and low to find something to complain about. Isn't there real sports news in D.C. that you can write about.
313 agree | 295 disagree
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Ron Redmerski said:
No way was this supposed to happen. Not like this, anyway. Four years ago when the ACC decided to expand, the prevailing thought on Tobacco Road was that the SEC had some competition. Finally. A 12 team super conference that included two Florida schools and, arguably, New England’s top athletic program. The talent-rich, fertile Newport Beach/Hampton recruiting areas were going to help the ACC yield top five football programs like Pez dispensers spit out candy. Well, if yesterday was any indication of how far the ACC has come, we won’t be eating Elvis Pez any time soon. Losing to an underrated East Carolina team is one thing (not to mention struggling with UAB, a program beaten by Michigan State 55-12 the week prior), but getting run over, completely throttled, by LSU and Oklahoma is quite another. The aforementioned powers made quick and decisive work of Virginia Tech and Miami (and that’s saying it nicely), respectively, the two programs that had John Swofford and the ACC bras
317 agree | 337 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
Frank Deford's editorial on tall tales: Best athletes seem to rise Growth hormones does wonders ask my 16 year old son who is on them for medical reasons due to cancer treatment as a baby! If an adult or even a child is using them and they shouldn't be who knows what problems they may have down the road.
384 agree | 347 disagree
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Examiner Reader said:
Reminds me of the old line about horseracing as the sport of kings. But you never saw any kings @the $2 window.
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